Dear Future Lover.

Dear Future Lover,

I’d like to think that this will pass. That someday I’ll wake up and want to chase those butterflies you offer; the kind that love is too sparing with. I hope that I’m able to let my guard down & that I’m willing to let you more than halfway in. I want to be able to take you for what you’re worth; believe you for what you tell me to be true. But even though I try not to carry everything that weighs me down, I sometimes catch my reflection & see it all there on my back.

I know it isn’t fair to ask you to sort through the mess that he left behind. But I’m somewhere buried beneath that heap of heartbreak, I promise. The girl who is capable of letting the light in is in there, she just hasn’t seen it in so long. I hope that you’ll still reach for my hand in the darkness because I’m searching for yours, even if I don’t know it yet.

I’m going to try not to make too many promises. But the one thing I can promise is that if you can be patient with me, you’ll never know a love like mine. I have so much to give to you; I just need to get it all back first.

I hope that we can fill up the space in each other’s lives in a way we have never known before; that all the brokenness in me has just been waiting for you to fill me up. I would have never known it is possible to feel that whole. And when my fingers fit snugly in yours, or my head rests perfectly on your shoulder, I hope you’ll never know such a fullness.

When you tell me you love me, I hope that I won’t have to weigh it out. That you remind me every day in the way you look at me, the way you tell me that I’m beautiful & in the way you make me feel alive. I hope that we set each other ablaze with love and we will have never seen something burn so bright.

I hope that we can be each other’s teachers. I want to learn the caverns of your soul & the peaks of your life before I stumbled into it demanding answers to the questions meant for someone else.
I’ll owe you my heart, because you taught me how to fill it up again.

You have a good soul. I know you do because you’ll remind me every step of the way that I do too.

I’m waiting for you, just as you are for me. I’ll love you whole if you be patient with me.

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I will always love you

When the sun rises, brushing the skies with its bright, vivid, cascading shades of orange, red, and yellow, as the earth begins its slow, gleeful, eventual thaw, as we forget and relive, as our hands grow numb, chilled by the winter breeze, the rising sun lights your hair, looking a deep shade of crimson, I will love you.

I’ll never forget the dark times, the good times, the secret times. Love, as they say, is too short; forgetting, so long, and memories of it, everlasting. I’ll love you before, during, and after; and I promise, I’ll always remember. I’ll love you from the feet that’s walked a million miles, to the eyes that’s seen a million people, I’ll love you from the fingers that’s touched a million objects, a million blades of grass, I’ll love you a million times and I’ll love you another million.

My love will grow in your brief absences. My love will encompass you in your presence. It will be a generous love, a stifling love, a distant love. It will be a remorseful love, a caressing love, a comforting love. It will be a destined love, a bizarre love, a jealous love, but above all, it will be a genuine love; a love so true, so real, so modest, so painful, so fearful, so anguished, so hateful, so spiteful, so infinite, so imperfect.

My love of you is a coarse love, a fine love; a brutal love, a tame love; I’ll love you in more ways than one.

When the smoke rises from the building tops, just beyond the smokestacks, the wisps disappear into the air; and although they dissipate, you are certain it is there, in existence, before, during, and after. When the sun rises, illuminating the skyscrapers beyond, you are certain of the figures behind the glinting windows. You are certain the way you are certain you will rise after you close your eyes; you are certain you will die the way everyone else before us has died; you are certain of your existence, your mortality. When the world around you quiets down to a murmur, when the sun has set, leaving empty, quiet nights in its wake, there will be someone holding your numbing hands — me.

And this, this is how I’ll love you. I will always love you!

Stay with me forever

I may not be your person but I will always stay with you.

The type of girl I want to stay with is the type of girl who stayed and became the girl who was left.

I am the guy who may not make you stay but I am the guy who will make you realize that staying longer can make things better. I may not be the guy who gives you everything but I am the guy who gives you the best. I may not be the ideal guy who deserves your love but I am the guy who returns the love more than what you deserve.

I am the guy who will stay.

Maybe, I am not the guy that would be able to climb the walls protecting your heart but I am the guy who will constantly knock the door you closed. I may not be the guy who can find the key that locked it but I am the guy who will stay behind it. I may not be the guy who you can trust with but I am the guy who you can learn to trust. I’m the guy who will help you realize that you’re not the girl worth leaving.

I’m the guy who will find ways for you not to leave.

I like the girl who once stayed after broken promises and second chances. I like the girl who once put in so much time and effort in a relationship even if those were not returned. I like the girl who once had hope that things will become better before the day was over. I like the girl who once believed in forever.

Now, I love the girl who once stayed with her past but eventually wanted to leave.
It’s the girl who wanted someone but eventually didn’t want to go back to him. It’s the girl who was interested but eventually got exhausted. It’s the girl who sent sweet messages but eventually never texted at all. It’s the girl who always thought of “we” but eventually only considered “I.”

I love that girl; not only that girl of the past but also of the present and of the future. I love to stay with that girl even if staying is not anymore in her actions. I love to teach that girl; that there is still a man who may get tired but will not give up. I love to be with that girl even if things get complicated.

All I want is to stay in love with you and never ever leave you.. So stay with me till the end of time, will you?

I Wish I Could Tell You.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too. And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I love you.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you. I think about you when it’s dead at lectures and I’m just wishing I’m anywhere else. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I’m in love with you I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of losing you. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we need to be together. That’s when the lines of loving someone and being in love with someone are blurred. And my lines with you are so blurry. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t know.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not get to be with that person. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that they’re the last thing we see at night and the first name we breathe as we wake up.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not fully sure risking everything to tell you my feelings would be the smartest because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s OK. It’s OK to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s OK to not feel the same kind of attraction. But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. So completely enamored by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to love you, I am nowhere near ready too. And while I’m taking my time to get ready to love you, you might meet someone else. You might meet them and love them more than you could ever love me. And they’ll love you just as much. Because you are that person. The person people fall for immediately.

But don’t ever feel sorry for me. Never feel like I’ve lost out because I’ve never gotten to love you in that way. Because the love that I’ve gotten from this is so much better. You have shown me that people like you exist and that makes me far better off than most.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity.

Universe

There are short breaths and words that could be goodbyes but aren’t always intended to be.

And this is how a love can be something like a universe:

-You stop short of telling her you love her, because courage runs through your fingers not your tongue but she knows now, she knows. And it feels heavy despite the light freckles you count across her cheeks before meeting her eyes.
Would the universe still be beautiful if it had no color? You know that she would still be.

-She tells you she hopes that one day you’ll both owe the world nothing more, and it sounds like she hopes one day, together, you can just be. And the earth and the moon spin around a burning star, when will that owe them nothing more?

-Her hair turns golden in the light and you start to wonder where it was that the sun came from again.

-She kisses you and this time she gives you her everything and she doesn’t hate you like she could have done and something explodes within your chest, firing through your blood like a meteor storm.

-You breathe her in before you send it back, send with it whispers that echo. And she’s heard you say that before but interpreted it differently, thought of it like a battle.
“Will you take a life with me?”
This time it means stay, this time it means with you. Spend this life, choose this one of all the possible outcomes.

-And in that moment they all merge together into one, hazy moments in time, one where you never meet, one where you walk away, one where you don’t.
So maybe it is destiny, maybe its fate, maybe it’s something of the gods, or maybe it’s none of that. Both way, planets align and atoms collide until she takes this life with you in a clenched fist.

-That’s how you finally understand that the universe can be love.

 

Credit: Unknown

 

Loving Your Best Friend

Your face is perfection and beauty all blended together. I can’t remember how and when it all began, but the feel of your touch when you sat next to me, makes me look forward to something better; something fairy-tale-like, something magical.

Your eyes remind me of the stars in a pitch black night, with the gorgeous spark that lights up the dark skies. Your voice is harmony; it brings music to my soul. Talking to you makes the arms of the clock immoveable; your presence is like time lapse in the axis of the universe.

You are the reason I want to love again, the very one who makes me see love as a beautiful thing, that love is not scary. You are the poetry in my unfinished journal, and the story that I want to read forever.

You are the fulfillment of that song written by the hands of God, the notes that make music sound so pleasing. You are the warmth of every summer night, and the chill of every sunny day.

These are the things I meant to tell you since day one. Things I kept hidden for the longest time. Things I wanted you to know, yet too afraid I’d lose you if you are to find out.

You are the captivity to my long lost dreams. Your hands are the ones I wish I could clasp with mine. You are the lover I wish to be with but can never have.

You are one of the many reasons why I am able to smile today. You gave me the hope that maybe, just maybe…you and I, can be. I cannot quite retaliate; if I came too late, or that you have found someone too soon, or that you’re just noticing, or rather avoiding to acknowledge… all I am sure of is that, we missed the path where our destiny is supposed to meet.

You are the reason I hold dear to hope…you are the reason why I hope for things to change… and I hope things change soon.

I wish for the day I become the address of your love and compassion, that very day you realize I am the one… and has been the one since the day our eyes met.

You are the entity that fuels my willingness to look forward to that day…when you and I “will be”. I know I’ve pushed the boundary, and although I get so frustrated sometimes, I badly want to rewrite that fine line that connects our lives, and highlight it with a yellow marker that would indicate we are meant to intertwine, in a hoop that is bound to never end. I badly want to be the one, for you are the one I ought to love… but I cannot have.

This confession does not long for your answer or judgment. I just wanted you to know that I accounted for all possibilities, for every turn my little intervention might bring. This I ask of you: Don’t look at me with sympathy, don’t treat me with sincerity out of pity – just smile genuinely, the reason behind doesn’t have to be me. I just wanted to enlighten you, of how wonderful a person you are. You are an inspiration to someone…you are an inspiration to me.

You and I are too close, yet at the same time, too distant… I ask myself now . . .what if?

What if it has always been you and me? I won’t conclude for sure, but I will cherish that I have you in my life. Even if we stay like this, I will always admire the type of person you are; And if I were to love you more than a friend, I will make sure I am still your best friend.

I’m so sorry, I did not mean to make us feel awkward…for we are best friends – and it makes me happy to tell you how deeply I fell in love with you.

 

-Credits: Aman Mishra

We May Be Different, But We Are Meant To Be

You and I are meant to be!

I know you wanted it to work, and I think you knew I did too. But instead, all we learned is sometimes things don’t. Sometimes things that are beautiful fall apart, no matter how much of yourself you invest, no matter how much love you’re willing to put in, and no matter how vulnerable you’re willing to get. Instead of what we had blossoming, it stopped, because we knew it had to.

I will never not blame timing. Had we been older, had we not been moving, had we been at different points in our lives, it would have lasted. There are so many “if onlys” and if all of them had aligned, it would have worked out. We would’ve worked out, that is. We could’ve stayed together, fought for each other, and kept making each other happy. We could’ve kept showing each other love and support. Our fingers would never have had to unlearn the feeling of the other person’s skin. Our lips would never have had to unmemorize the other’s.

Too often, I wake up thinking “what if?” What if I was waking up with you next to me? What if you were the first person I called when I woke? What if every morning, there was a text from you, telling me you woke up thinking about me too?

Every once and a while I still get that text, and I guess it reminds me that these things, these feelings, these regrets, even, are real for you too. People have always told me that when you break up with someone, you can’t turn to them for support. In fact, they’re the one person you aren’t supposed to go to. But we still go to each other. We still lean on each other for sympathy when one of us needs the other. When someone has been your primary support system for so long, it’s impossible to cut that connection off, and it’s even more difficult when there wasn’t a “reason” for the break up.

That’s the shittiest part of timing not being on our side. There was no other great reason to separate. There was no blow-out fight, no cheating, no messes or fires to put out or people saying the wrong thing. There was no incompatibility. There was only the numbing realization that this wasn’t our time, and that prolonging the end was useless. That’s all there was. And because of that, there wasn’t a reason to be mad at you. I almost want to be mad at you, because that would make things so much easier, but I can’t be. You did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. And yet, we’re not together anymore.

In the end though, we weren’t the only two things in the world that had to line up perfectly. I know we did, but there are thousands of other minuscule variables in the universe that also have to line up for real love to work and to last.

You once told me you would always have a place for me in your heart, and I hope that stays true. We will live in different places, and be with different people, and do different things. And at some point, the desperate desire to call the other person whenever we have good news (or whenever we fail) will fade. But I hope the door to each other’s lives never fully closes. Because even though the timing wasn’t right, I know we were for you said ‘We maybe different, but we are meant to be.’

Book That You Can Never Read

You can read my words but you can’t really understand my sentences, you can’t understand why I paused after a certain sentence or why I ended a sentence with an exclamation mark rather than a full stop.

You can read my headlines but you won’t grasp what I’m trying to say, you won’t know if it’s a misleading headline or a headline that has nothing to do with what I’m truly trying to say. In other words, you can’t sum me up in one headline.

When I write about loving you, you’d think that I can’t sleep at night thinking about you, but the truth is, I write about a familiar feeling; a moment in time when life was wondrous and I was mesmerized. A feeling that struck me once before that I couldn’t forget.

I write about how you made me feel because I loved that feeling — not you.

When I write about missing you, I write about the person you used to be, the person you pretended you were or the person I thought you were. I write about whom I thought you were and the things you made me believe in. I miss the rush of emotions, the whopping smile on my face when I saw your name on my phone, the bright future that I painted in all my favorite colors and the moment I realized that I’m capable of loving unconditionally.

I write about missing everything about that phase but that doesn’t mean I want to call you or I want you back. Missing you serves as an inspiration not a final statement. You can translate my words into your language but it still won’t make sense because you and I speak in very different languages with totally different connotations. You can try to read between the lines but you’ll always find them blurry and murky because you interpret things according to how your mind operates and your mind is a maze.

My words are a reflection of me; they can be contradicting, they can be wise, they can be childish, they can be insane, they can be idealistic, they can be flawed, they can be harsh and they can be fragile. My words can be a lot of things but they will always be real. I’m an open book because I write about the finest details but you were never detail-oriented so you will never understand the depth of my words.

My book is open, you can flip through my pages or highlight my words but you will never be able to pin me down, because it takes more than reading from a distance to know me, it takes more than a few words to figure me out and it takes a lot more than reading to know my story but you never had the courage to finish the story till the end.

So you can read my book a thousand times but you still won’t be able to read me.

 

3 AM

It’s 3 am and the night still asks me about you and all I can do is ask the night to let me sleep and bring you in my dreams and maybe one of those nights my dream will come true and the night will stop asking me about you.

It’s at 3 am that the night hits me and asks me about you. It asks me how you’re doing and I still don’t have an answer. I like to believe that you’re fine but a part of me doesn’t really want you to be fine without me. The stars ask me if you still shine everywhere you go and if your smile still brightens up anyone’s day and I can’t help but say yes, because even if I haven’t seen you, I know that you’ll always shine even if it’s dark inside you. And sometimes the night and I wonder if you miss me and if you’re also looking out the window waiting for a miracle.

The moon asks me if I will ever forget you, and I can’t help but confess that I’ve learned to forget everything in the past but I couldn’t forget the way you made me feel, I tell the moon that I learned how to forget everyone who hurt me but I still haven’t learned how to forget you. And even the moon can’t forget you because it’s always full when I’m missing you. The skies ask me if I’ll ever reach out to you and I tell them that I’m scared of not getting a response but the truth is I’m scared more of getting a response, I’m scared of hearing your voice and I’m terrified of loving you again. And sometimes the skies make the night a little bit warmer when I think about you.

I wonder if the night will ever stop haunting me at 3 am to ask me about you. Sometimes I think the night is lonely and missing some company but then every time I bring someone else, the night gets colder and moon disappears.

I think I’m bound to spend my nights remembering you and there is nothing more I can do because the night was not made to be alone, the stars were not meant to shine above a broken heart and the moon was not meant to hide behind the clouds. The night craves love and intimacy, the night needs two souls bound together by its beauty, comforting each other from the troubles of the day.

And it’s the like the night conspired to keep me up until you’re back to me.

It’s 3 am and the night still asks me about you and all I can do is ask the night to let me sleep and bring you in my dreams and maybe one of those nights my dream will come true and the night will stop asking me about you.

To The One I Left Back Home.

But I want you to know that wherever this home may be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always love you and you will forever be my favorite home and you will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and I will try to win.

It’s been a hard journey but I’m finally heading somewhere, the road is still long and the destination is not crystal clear but I’ve finally learned how to drive in the storms and keep on driving until the sun shines again. I sometimes wish I could just go back home and not have to deal with any of these hurdles, but I feel like maybe something big is waiting for me at the end of the road; something told me that I need to go find myself away from the comfort of my bed and the warmth of your hugs. I had to leave so I can grow, so I can be the person you told me I was; the potential you saw in me that I couldn’t see in myself and the person you wanted me to be.

I have tried to find people like you to make the road easier but it was hard to find anyone that could replace you but I learned that you will always be irreplaceable and it would be unfair to compare anyone I meet to you. I’ve met a lot of people who did not resemble me, who did not even speak my language but I found so much value in our differences and they trained me to find the balance in sticking to my roots while trying to understand them. I realized there’s so much more to explore outside the realm of our little jokes and our familiar conversations, outside the luxury of not having to explain myself or wonder if someone misunderstood me and outside the silence we never really feared, but here, silence makes you think, it makes you question, it could drive you crazy – silence is petrifying.

I often hear people complain about the distance or how much they missed home and I would always say well they should just go back, until I was repeatedly faced with the same feeling and I almost booked a one way ticket back home but I didn’t want this to be the end of my journey. I didn’t want to come home the same person that left and I didn’t want to come home without a fight, I didn’t want to come home when I haven’t battled anyone. I wanted to come back as a winner, a champion or a fighter, someone who fought till the end, someone who tried and someone who didn’t let you down.

Because it’s the fight that keeps you going, it’s the lonely days and the tearful nights, the disappointments and the heart breaks, the setbacks and the naysayers and it’s those who want to bring you down who keep you racing to the top. No one said it would be easy to start over and if I can’t handle the stones I encounter on the way then I don’t deserve the diamonds that I’m searching for. But I want you to know that you keep me going more than anyone, when everything is bleak, I remember the nights we spent laughing and singing randomly as we chat, I remember the nights we held each other tight whenever one of us was hurting and I remember all the crazy memories we had and the silly things we did and these memories make me feel alive. They remind me of how lucky I am that I have people like you to come home to, they remind me that no matter how far I wander, you’re still close to me – closer than ever.

And I want you to know that I will be okay; at times I may get lost and at times I may struggle to stay in touch with you but I will never completely disappear, I will never not know where I am or how to go back and I will never forget where I came from.

I want you to know that I didn’t leave because of you, I left because of me, because of the person I was becoming, because of the person I was turning into and because I started to feel like I didn’t belong but I learned that home doesn’t have to be one place, that you could have many homes in your lifetime but you’ll still have one special home you loved more, one special home you miss, one special home you had the best times in and I think I want to live in other homes for a while, I want to see what other homes will welcome me in and I want to have as many homes as possible before I decide to settle in one.

But I want you to know that wherever this home may be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always love you and you will forever be my favorite home and you will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and I will try to win.