If you’re reading this; give me one last chance

Right now I’m sitting in my bed, watching the sunrays splatter on my bedroom window. I know I should avoid moments like this, but this time I’m giving myself the permission to be vulnerable. I’m allowing myself to feel your absence in my life.

Over the past few months, I’ve realized I’m the one who’s ultimately responsible for why our relationship didn’t work out. And I’m wholeheartedly taking the responsibility for all the blame.

All I ever thought about was my feelings and I never considered yours. I was a selfish, immature, entitled human being – and you didn’t deserve someone like me. You were too kind to be investing your time and affection for someone who kept on overlooking your genuine gestures.

The way I ended things with us was a disaster, and I’m fairly certain that I broke your heart. I don’t know if you’re going to believe me when I say this, but I am truly sorry for everything that I did wrong to you. I’m sorry that we fell apart. And I hope you know that my heart is heavy with regret.

If only I could go back to that moment when I should have given you importance when I was with you, I would take back everything that I said. If only you yelled at me and told me how much you were rooting for me, I would have stayed. I would have fought my inner battles even harder and swallowed my feelings.

My only wish in the world right now is for you to give me one more chance. I want nothing but for us to try again, see where our roads will take us, and hope for a better story. I’m willing to sacrifice my comfort in life just to see you and be with you once more.

If you’re going to take a risk with me again, I promise to show you how much I’ve changed. I’ll prove to you that I’m a wiser, kinder, more mature, patient person now. I’ll give you a reason, every day, to keep me in your life.

If you’re going to accept my apology, I promise not to break your heart again. I will never ignore the efforts that you do for me. I will constantly appreciate your love and care. I will not hurt you with my coldness or with my unintentional bitter words.

They say you don’t know what’s important to you until it’s gone. Now I understand why losing you left a void in my heart. I finally understand how much you really mean to me.

If you’re going to allow me to be part of your life again, I promise not to waste my second chance. I’ll make up for the things that I missed. I’ll correct the mistakes that I did before. And I’ll stand strong against my fears.

I know that when I wake up tomorrow, I will still be missing you the same way that I do tonight. I will keep wishing for our paths to intersect again. I will keep hoping to have more conversations with you, more good memories with you, more time to get to know you. I will keep dreaming to feel your presence beside me.

If one day you’re going to read this, know that I am sorry for what happened between us. I believe that it’s not yet too late to fix what has been broken. And so I promise that when the time is right, I’ll reach out to you and tell you how badly I want you back.

I will forever hold myself responsible for the damages I have caused.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You made me the happiest I had ever been in a long time.

I will never forget the moments we shared and the way you made me feel whole. I never thought I deserved to feel a love like that so up close. It was a love that every fiber of my being felt so deeply, and will continue to long for from now.

You helped me shine on my darkest days. You made me believe that it was okay to be who I was. I finally accepted being the guy who made everyone else laugh and then went home and cried himself to sleep every night. Because he finally had you to cry with. No one had ever made me feel so comfortable in being who I was. You loved every part of me, no matter how dark or disgruntled.

But despite my best efforts, you met the same fate that everything else in my life has had the misfortune of meeting. I let my anxiety get in the way. Slowly and gradually, I became the guy they tell every girl to stay away from; insecure, abusive, and simply a burden that kept dragging you down.

The emotional torture you had to go through with me every other day was unjust and unfair for someone like you, someone who had fared so much damage throughout her past. It was remarkable how you never let any of that stop you from believing in me to be a better man. But you were right. I could never be a man. I am too immature.

I am not going to lie. Being with you was a challenge for me every second of every day. I wanted to be better for you. I wanted to overcome all my insecurities so you would have every reason to rely on me. I wanted to be that pillar of strength you could always hold on to no matter what. But the only problem was that I always said these things and never actually proved them. In fact, my actions always did quite the opposite of what I said. And that’s something I knew you had started noticing, as the faith you had in me began crumbling.

I know who I am; an extremely emotional human being who can burst out into an episode of uncontrollable rage any second. And that’s why I was always afraid of myself around you. But saying all of this puts you in a negative light, when the reality is that I always knew in the back of my mind that no matter what wrong I did, you would always be there to forgive me. And you were.

But I broke your heart. I disrespected you. I disgraced whatever little faith you had left in me. I literally shattered all the things we ever stood for. I could not be more ashamed of what I did. And the way you’ve simply gone silent ever since, raises so many voices in my head that I have to keep fighting every second just to make sure I don’t fall back down into that pit again. This is exactly what I deserve.

I know what I did was wrong. By the end of it, everything just became a matter of control for me. I became obsessive. I wanted to know everything you were doing. I wanted to be wherever you were going. I had become so insecure. I just could not believe how far I had pushed you, and I had no clue that everything I was doing was only increasing the distance between us. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that the thought of us I had held onto for so long in my mind had slipped so further away from my grasp. I was confused. My mind was clouded. I couldn’t look at the bigger picture anymore, it got too dark for me to visualize.

But now that I look back on it, I guess burning all the bridges down was the only way I could save you from myself. I knew you would’ve never given up on me so easily and would’ve always been there to look out for me. But I would’ve never stopped disappointing you every step of the way.

From being your happy place to being the worst thing that ever happened to you, it was never my intention to leave you as yet another life lesson. But I am glad I have ridden you of the burden that I had become. It was by no means your burden to bear.

Just the way a beautiful soul like yours deserves to be. I will forever hold myself responsible for the damages I have caused.

One last time…I am sorry.

When I fall in love, I fall really hard.

I love you so please try to understand.

Please understand when I’m being irritable. I don’t even get myself, either. Maybe I just need you to wheedle me. Before you came, I hate sweet talks. But ever since I met you, it seemed to be part of my day. Please understand when I can’t stop over thinking things. Maybe I am just afraid of what will happen next. It’s because I can’t let you go. Please understand when I get insecure about myself. I always think that someone better out there will catch your attention.

To love is to risk.

I know you love me and I don’t have to feel insecure but let’s face it; we don’t know what the future holds. We can’t evade pain. What is love without little pain? It is part of loving and if we are lucky enough to pass through many storms and we could reach the sun and there would be no darkness for the two of us. I don’t want to think that we aren’t meant for each other because for me, you’re my destination. You are my end game.

I fell so damn hard for you and I’m scared that maybe one day, you’ll leave me hanging and if that happens, how would I pick up the broken pieces of me that are dappled on the floor?

Please understand when I always look like begging for so much attention. I admit I’m a little bit doubtful that sometimes you show the other guys the attention I like to have. Please understand when I’m being sensitive when it comes to you, to the words you utter, and to the actions you show. You know how much I hate change. I notice the slightest change in our conversation and I’m starting to think that you don’t see me the way you did before. I know I’m not easy to love but when I love, I love hard, I fully give my all.

You complete me so I should fulfill you.

I’m trying so hard to be matured enough for the both of us. What we have is so precious to me.

I have no intention of falling this deep but you made me fall this hard. When I fall in love, I fall really hard.

I give way too much, care way too much, and invest way too much.

Please try to understand that I love you so much to even think of letting you slip away.

Always have and always will ❤

You always touch me with more than just your hands.
You touch me with words, with your heart, your soul.
There are those quiet moments when we lay together, skin to skin.
And words are exchanged, quiet, loving words.
And I don’t always need to hear it to know how you feel.
I sense it in your presence, in your care, your respect for me.
The way I know you’d fight my demons for me even if I never asked,
The way you look at me with love in your eyes.
I sense it in the way you listen as I talk about my day.
The way you never got angry with me even if I push,
You ground me when my moods are out of balance.
You center me.
Sometimes I can’t even imagine how I went on in this life without you,
Before we met,
Back when I was just a lad, so clueless about love.
I thought love was this wonderful thing.
And it really is, but it’s more.
It’s complicated and messy,
But totally worth it when you’re being held by that one person who just gets you somehow.
“You complete me.”
People think that’s a cheesy phrase, But if you’ve been in love…
If you’re in love,
There is no better way to explain it.
Somehow you’re the other half.
You mended my broken pieces and made me whole again.
And I owe everything to you for daring to love this wayward soul,
This crazy lad who can’t seem to stop loving you.
You have my eternal gratitude for making the first move.
I know my life would have been different without you.
You made me better, made this heart beat faster, my spirits lift higher.
You made me believe again.
In a way, you made me break out of my shell.
You are everything to me, everything I want.
I swore nothing could break us.
You’re mine forever,
My forever love.
I loved you yesterday, I love you still.
Always have and always will.
Always ❤

Dear Future Lover.

Dear Future Lover,

I’d like to think that this will pass. That someday I’ll wake up and want to chase those butterflies you offer; the kind that love is too sparing with. I hope that I’m able to let my guard down & that I’m willing to let you more than halfway in. I want to be able to take you for what you’re worth; believe you for what you tell me to be true. But even though I try not to carry everything that weighs me down, I sometimes catch my reflection & see it all there on my back.

I know it isn’t fair to ask you to sort through the mess that he left behind. But I’m somewhere buried beneath that heap of heartbreak, I promise. The girl who is capable of letting the light in is in there, she just hasn’t seen it in so long. I hope that you’ll still reach for my hand in the darkness because I’m searching for yours, even if I don’t know it yet.

I’m going to try not to make too many promises. But the one thing I can promise is that if you can be patient with me, you’ll never know a love like mine. I have so much to give to you; I just need to get it all back first.

I hope that we can fill up the space in each other’s lives in a way we have never known before; that all the brokenness in me has just been waiting for you to fill me up. I would have never known it is possible to feel that whole. And when my fingers fit snugly in yours, or my head rests perfectly on your shoulder, I hope you’ll never know such a fullness.

When you tell me you love me, I hope that I won’t have to weigh it out. That you remind me every day in the way you look at me, the way you tell me that I’m beautiful & in the way you make me feel alive. I hope that we set each other ablaze with love and we will have never seen something burn so bright.

I hope that we can be each other’s teachers. I want to learn the caverns of your soul & the peaks of your life before I stumbled into it demanding answers to the questions meant for someone else.
I’ll owe you my heart, because you taught me how to fill it up again.

You have a good soul. I know you do because you’ll remind me every step of the way that I do too.

I’m waiting for you, just as you are for me. I’ll love you whole if you be patient with me.

I will always love you

When the sun rises, brushing the skies with its bright, vivid, cascading shades of orange, red, and yellow, as the earth begins its slow, gleeful, eventual thaw, as we forget and relive, as our hands grow numb, chilled by the winter breeze, the rising sun lights your hair, looking a deep shade of crimson, I will love you.

I’ll never forget the dark times, the good times, the secret times. Love, as they say, is too short; forgetting, so long, and memories of it, everlasting. I’ll love you before, during, and after; and I promise, I’ll always remember. I’ll love you from the feet that’s walked a million miles, to the eyes that’s seen a million people, I’ll love you from the fingers that’s touched a million objects, a million blades of grass, I’ll love you a million times and I’ll love you another million.

My love will grow in your brief absences. My love will encompass you in your presence. It will be a generous love, a stifling love, a distant love. It will be a remorseful love, a caressing love, a comforting love. It will be a destined love, a bizarre love, a jealous love, but above all, it will be a genuine love; a love so true, so real, so modest, so painful, so fearful, so anguished, so hateful, so spiteful, so infinite, so imperfect.

My love of you is a coarse love, a fine love; a brutal love, a tame love; I’ll love you in more ways than one.

When the smoke rises from the building tops, just beyond the smokestacks, the wisps disappear into the air; and although they dissipate, you are certain it is there, in existence, before, during, and after. When the sun rises, illuminating the skyscrapers beyond, you are certain of the figures behind the glinting windows. You are certain the way you are certain you will rise after you close your eyes; you are certain you will die the way everyone else before us has died; you are certain of your existence, your mortality. When the world around you quiets down to a murmur, when the sun has set, leaving empty, quiet nights in its wake, there will be someone holding your numbing hands — me.

And this, this is how I’ll love you. I will always love you!

Stay with me forever

The type of girl I want to stay with is the type of girl who stayed and became the girl who was left.

I am the guy who may not make you stay but I am the guy who will make you realize that staying longer can make things better. I may not be the guy who gives you everything but I am the guy who gives you the best. I may not be the ideal guy who deserves your love but I am the guy who returns the love more than what you deserve.

I am the guy who will stay.

Maybe, I am not the guy that would be able to climb the walls protecting your heart but I am the guy who will constantly knock the door you closed. I may not be the guy who can find the key that locked it but I am the guy who will stay behind it. I may not be the guy who you can trust with but I am the guy who you can learn to trust. I’m the guy who will help you realize that you’re not the girl worth leaving.

I’m the guy who will find ways for you not to leave.

I like the girl who once stayed after broken promises and second chances. I like the girl who once put in so much time and effort in a relationship even if those were not returned. I like the girl who once had hope that things will become better before the day was over. I like the girl who once believed in forever.

Now, I love the girl who once stayed with her past but eventually wanted to leave.
It’s the girl who wanted someone but eventually didn’t want to go back to him. It’s the girl who was interested but eventually got exhausted. It’s the girl who sent sweet messages but eventually never texted at all. It’s the girl who always thought of “we” but eventually only considered “I.”

I love that girl; not only that girl of the past but also of the present and of the future. I love to stay with that girl even if staying is not anymore in her actions. I love to teach that girl; that there is still a man who may get tired but will not give up. I love to be with that girl even if things get complicated.

All I want is to stay in love with you and never ever leave you.. So stay with me till the end of time, will you?

I Wish I Could Tell You.

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too. And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I love you.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you. I think about you when it’s dead at lectures and I’m just wishing I’m anywhere else. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I’m in love with you I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of losing you. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we need to be together. That’s when the lines of loving someone and being in love with someone are blurred. And my lines with you are so blurry. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t know.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not get to be with that person. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that they’re the last thing we see at night and the first name we breathe as we wake up.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not fully sure risking everything to tell you my feelings would be the smartest because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s OK. It’s OK to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s OK to not feel the same kind of attraction. But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. So completely enamored by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to love you, I am nowhere near ready too. And while I’m taking my time to get ready to love you, you might meet someone else. You might meet them and love them more than you could ever love me. And they’ll love you just as much. Because you are that person. The person people fall for immediately.

But don’t ever feel sorry for me. Never feel like I’ve lost out because I’ve never gotten to love you in that way. Because the love that I’ve gotten from this is so much better. You have shown me that people like you exist and that makes me far better off than most.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity.

Universe

There are short breaths and words that could be goodbyes but aren’t always intended to be.

And this is how a love can be something like a universe:

-You stop short of telling her you love her, because courage runs through your fingers not your tongue but she knows now, she knows. And it feels heavy despite the light freckles you count across her cheeks before meeting her eyes.
Would the universe still be beautiful if it had no color? You know that she would still be.

-She tells you she hopes that one day you’ll both owe the world nothing more, and it sounds like she hopes one day, together, you can just be. And the earth and the moon spin around a burning star, when will that owe them nothing more?

-Her hair turns golden in the light and you start to wonder where it was that the sun came from again.

-She kisses you and this time she gives you her everything and she doesn’t hate you like she could have done and something explodes within your chest, firing through your blood like a meteor storm.

-You breathe her in before you send it back, send with it whispers that echo. And she’s heard you say that before but interpreted it differently, thought of it like a battle.
“Will you take a life with me?”
This time it means stay, this time it means with you. Spend this life, choose this one of all the possible outcomes.

-And in that moment they all merge together into one, hazy moments in time, one where you never meet, one where you walk away, one where you don’t.
So maybe it is destiny, maybe its fate, maybe it’s something of the gods, or maybe it’s none of that. Both way, planets align and atoms collide until she takes this life with you in a clenched fist.

-That’s how you finally understand that the universe can be love.

 

Credit: Unknown

 

Loving Your Best Friend

Your face is perfection and beauty all blended together. I can’t remember how and when it all began, but the feel of your touch when you sat next to me, makes me look forward to something better; something fairy-tale-like, something magical.

Your eyes remind me of the stars in a pitch black night, with the gorgeous spark that lights up the dark skies. Your voice is harmony; it brings music to my soul. Talking to you makes the arms of the clock immoveable; your presence is like time lapse in the axis of the universe.

You are the reason I want to love again, the very one who makes me see love as a beautiful thing, that love is not scary. You are the poetry in my unfinished journal, and the story that I want to read forever.

You are the fulfillment of that song written by the hands of God, the notes that make music sound so pleasing. You are the warmth of every summer night, and the chill of every sunny day.

These are the things I meant to tell you since day one. Things I kept hidden for the longest time. Things I wanted you to know, yet too afraid I’d lose you if you are to find out.

You are the captivity to my long lost dreams. Your hands are the ones I wish I could clasp with mine. You are the lover I wish to be with but can never have.

You are one of the many reasons why I am able to smile today. You gave me the hope that maybe, just maybe…you and I, can be. I cannot quite retaliate; if I came too late, or that you have found someone too soon, or that you’re just noticing, or rather avoiding to acknowledge… all I am sure of is that, we missed the path where our destiny is supposed to meet.

You are the reason I hold dear to hope…you are the reason why I hope for things to change… and I hope things change soon.

I wish for the day I become the address of your love and compassion, that very day you realize I am the one… and has been the one since the day our eyes met.

You are the entity that fuels my willingness to look forward to that day…when you and I “will be”. I know I’ve pushed the boundary, and although I get so frustrated sometimes, I badly want to rewrite that fine line that connects our lives, and highlight it with a yellow marker that would indicate we are meant to intertwine, in a hoop that is bound to never end. I badly want to be the one, for you are the one I ought to love… but I cannot have.

This confession does not long for your answer or judgment. I just wanted you to know that I accounted for all possibilities, for every turn my little intervention might bring. This I ask of you: Don’t look at me with sympathy, don’t treat me with sincerity out of pity – just smile genuinely, the reason behind doesn’t have to be me. I just wanted to enlighten you, of how wonderful a person you are. You are an inspiration to someone…you are an inspiration to me.

You and I are too close, yet at the same time, too distant… I ask myself now . . .what if?

What if it has always been you and me? I won’t conclude for sure, but I will cherish that I have you in my life. Even if we stay like this, I will always admire the type of person you are; And if I were to love you more than a friend, I will make sure I am still your best friend.

I’m so sorry, I did not mean to make us feel awkward…for we are best friends – and it makes me happy to tell you how deeply I fell in love with you.

 

-Credits: Aman Mishra