I will forever hold myself responsible for the damages I have caused.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You made me the happiest I had ever been in a long time.

I will never forget the moments we shared and the way you made me feel whole. I never thought I deserved to feel a love like that so up close. It was a love that every fiber of my being felt so deeply, and will continue to long for from now.

You helped me shine on my darkest days. You made me believe that it was okay to be who I was. I finally accepted being the guy who made everyone else laugh and then went home and cried himself to sleep every night. Because he finally had you to cry with. No one had ever made me feel so comfortable in being who I was. You loved every part of me, no matter how dark or disgruntled.

But despite my best efforts, you met the same fate that everything else in my life has had the misfortune of meeting. I let my anxiety get in the way. Slowly and gradually, I became the guy they tell every girl to stay away from; insecure, abusive, and simply a burden that kept dragging you down.

The emotional torture you had to go through with me every other day was unjust and unfair for someone like you, someone who had fared so much damage throughout her past. It was remarkable how you never let any of that stop you from believing in me to be a better man. But you were right. I could never be a man. I am too immature.

I am not going to lie. Being with you was a challenge for me every second of every day. I wanted to be better for you. I wanted to overcome all my insecurities so you would have every reason to rely on me. I wanted to be that pillar of strength you could always hold on to no matter what. But the only problem was that I always said these things and never actually proved them. In fact, my actions always did quite the opposite of what I said. And that’s something I knew you had started noticing, as the faith you had in me began crumbling.

I know who I am; an extremely emotional human being who can burst out into an episode of uncontrollable rage any second. And that’s why I was always afraid of myself around you. But saying all of this puts you in a negative light, when the reality is that I always knew in the back of my mind that no matter what wrong I did, you would always be there to forgive me. And you were.

But I broke your heart. I disrespected you. I disgraced whatever little faith you had left in me. I literally shattered all the things we ever stood for. I could not be more ashamed of what I did. And the way you’ve simply gone silent ever since, raises so many voices in my head that I have to keep fighting every second just to make sure I don’t fall back down into that pit again. This is exactly what I deserve.

I know what I did was wrong. By the end of it, everything just became a matter of control for me. I became obsessive. I wanted to know everything you were doing. I wanted to be wherever you were going. I had become so insecure. I just could not believe how far I had pushed you, and I had no clue that everything I was doing was only increasing the distance between us. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that the thought of us I had held onto for so long in my mind had slipped so further away from my grasp. I was confused. My mind was clouded. I couldn’t look at the bigger picture anymore, it got too dark for me to visualize.

But now that I look back on it, I guess burning all the bridges down was the only way I could save you from myself. I knew you would’ve never given up on me so easily and would’ve always been there to look out for me. But I would’ve never stopped disappointing you every step of the way.

From being your happy place to being the worst thing that ever happened to you, it was never my intention to leave you as yet another life lesson. But I am glad I have ridden you of the burden that I had become. It was by no means your burden to bear.

Just the way a beautiful soul like yours deserves to be. I will forever hold myself responsible for the damages I have caused.

One last time…I am sorry.


Always have and always will ❤

You always touch me with more than just your hands.
You touch me with words, with your heart, your soul.
There are those quiet moments when we lay together, skin to skin.
And words are exchanged, quiet, loving words.
And I don’t always need to hear it to know how you feel.
I sense it in your presence, in your care, your respect for me.
The way I know you’d fight my demons for me even if I never asked,
The way you look at me with love in your eyes.
I sense it in the way you listen as I talk about my day.
The way you never got angry with me even if I push,
You ground me when my moods are out of balance.
You center me.
Sometimes I can’t even imagine how I went on in this life without you,
Before we met,
Back when I was just a lad, so clueless about love.
I thought love was this wonderful thing.
And it really is, but it’s more.
It’s complicated and messy,
But totally worth it when you’re being held by that one person who just gets you somehow.
“You complete me.”
People think that’s a cheesy phrase, But if you’ve been in love…
If you’re in love,
There is no better way to explain it.
Somehow you’re the other half.
You mended my broken pieces and made me whole again.
And I owe everything to you for daring to love this wayward soul,
This crazy lad who can’t seem to stop loving you.
You have my eternal gratitude for making the first move.
I know my life would have been different without you.
You made me better, made this heart beat faster, my spirits lift higher.
You made me believe again.
In a way, you made me break out of my shell.
You are everything to me, everything I want.
I swore nothing could break us.
You’re mine forever,
My forever love.
I loved you yesterday, I love you still.
Always have and always will.
Always ❤

Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise.

I haven’t wrote in a while. It takes a lot of energy out of me to expose the truth and stories because of the detail I see and feel them with. I wanted to give an update on everything. It has been weeks I have been back home and I am still in the mindset of doing nothing.
I live my life sometimes tortured by anxiety and depression. When I was a kid I laughed without worry of ever having to stop. I went to sleep without eyes full of images of the things I failed and ruined. My mind kissed my heart and we both slept in the same bed. Over the years I have learned how to control my emotions and not allow them to venture out for as long as before when they didn’t have to fight back. My bones are ravaged with bite marks from my own teeth, continually testing who I am to see if I can break. I do not scare easily, but I am afraid of the dark. What people don’t know is, that I have called it mine for entirely too long. One wouldn’t think you could be frightened by a place you call home. It’s not the structure itself. It’s what lives inside the walls that keep you cornered and timid to live a meaningful life. Words are etched there for you to read, and it’s there you will find a story of conviction and how she opened the door for me. This world we keep walking around in, pretending to be okay, is rather simple once you figure out we all are housing our own pain. Keep breathing deep and when you’re ready, it will all come to the top to be released and set free into the lives of who need to hear what you have to say. You’re the lifeblood for more people than you realize. You are the reason why stars stay up so late.

In the past, I oftentimes allowed other people to control my actions. I was never completely in control over my own life. I was either drawing or staying up late or doing other stuff that wasn’t conductive for my health. I allowed them to manipulate me and in return, I sabotaged a large portion of my life. I was never good at saying no to things or to people. I always felt guilty like I was letting them down if I wasn’t feeling up to it. It’s sad, but I did this more than half my life. I was a people pleaser and somewhat of a pushover because I had a hard time standing up for my beliefs. But I was always there to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves. That’s my strongest if someone were to ask me. If you’re going to fuck with my friends or someone I love, you’re not going to be standing there for long. I used drinking to cover up a lot who I was because I wanted to be someone else. Looking back now I probably killed more moments than I created, and that’s hard for me to take in. I love too much and too often. I live life down the road at times. I always wander off upstairs in my head.
I’m passionate about my life and happy to be me now. The man who started this page is no longer charge of it. I’ve taken control of the parts of my life I can and making plans to get all of it back here shortly.

Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise.

Dear Future Lover.

Dear Future Lover,

I’d like to think that this will pass. That someday I’ll wake up and want to chase those butterflies you offer; the kind that love is too sparing with. I hope that I’m able to let my guard down & that I’m willing to let you more than halfway in. I want to be able to take you for what you’re worth; believe you for what you tell me to be true. But even though I try not to carry everything that weighs me down, I sometimes catch my reflection & see it all there on my back.

I know it isn’t fair to ask you to sort through the mess that he left behind. But I’m somewhere buried beneath that heap of heartbreak, I promise. The girl who is capable of letting the light in is in there, she just hasn’t seen it in so long. I hope that you’ll still reach for my hand in the darkness because I’m searching for yours, even if I don’t know it yet.

I’m going to try not to make too many promises. But the one thing I can promise is that if you can be patient with me, you’ll never know a love like mine. I have so much to give to you; I just need to get it all back first.

I hope that we can fill up the space in each other’s lives in a way we have never known before; that all the brokenness in me has just been waiting for you to fill me up. I would have never known it is possible to feel that whole. And when my fingers fit snugly in yours, or my head rests perfectly on your shoulder, I hope you’ll never know such a fullness.

When you tell me you love me, I hope that I won’t have to weigh it out. That you remind me every day in the way you look at me, the way you tell me that I’m beautiful & in the way you make me feel alive. I hope that we set each other ablaze with love and we will have never seen something burn so bright.

I hope that we can be each other’s teachers. I want to learn the caverns of your soul & the peaks of your life before I stumbled into it demanding answers to the questions meant for someone else.
I’ll owe you my heart, because you taught me how to fill it up again.

You have a good soul. I know you do because you’ll remind me every step of the way that I do too.

I’m waiting for you, just as you are for me. I’ll love you whole if you be patient with me.

I will always love you

When the sun rises, brushing the skies with its bright, vivid, cascading shades of orange, red, and yellow, as the earth begins its slow, gleeful, eventual thaw, as we forget and relive, as our hands grow numb, chilled by the winter breeze, the rising sun lights your hair, looking a deep shade of crimson, I will love you.

I’ll never forget the dark times, the good times, the secret times. Love, as they say, is too short; forgetting, so long, and memories of it, everlasting. I’ll love you before, during, and after; and I promise, I’ll always remember. I’ll love you from the feet that’s walked a million miles, to the eyes that’s seen a million people, I’ll love you from the fingers that’s touched a million objects, a million blades of grass, I’ll love you a million times and I’ll love you another million.

My love will grow in your brief absences. My love will encompass you in your presence. It will be a generous love, a stifling love, a distant love. It will be a remorseful love, a caressing love, a comforting love. It will be a destined love, a bizarre love, a jealous love, but above all, it will be a genuine love; a love so true, so real, so modest, so painful, so fearful, so anguished, so hateful, so spiteful, so infinite, so imperfect.

My love of you is a coarse love, a fine love; a brutal love, a tame love; I’ll love you in more ways than one.

When the smoke rises from the building tops, just beyond the smokestacks, the wisps disappear into the air; and although they dissipate, you are certain it is there, in existence, before, during, and after. When the sun rises, illuminating the skyscrapers beyond, you are certain of the figures behind the glinting windows. You are certain the way you are certain you will rise after you close your eyes; you are certain you will die the way everyone else before us has died; you are certain of your existence, your mortality. When the world around you quiets down to a murmur, when the sun has set, leaving empty, quiet nights in its wake, there will be someone holding your numbing hands — me.

And this, this is how I’ll love you. I will always love you!

I Wish I Could Tell You.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too. And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I love you.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you. I think about you when it’s dead at lectures and I’m just wishing I’m anywhere else. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I’m in love with you I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of losing you. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we need to be together. That’s when the lines of loving someone and being in love with someone are blurred. And my lines with you are so blurry. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t know.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not get to be with that person. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that they’re the last thing we see at night and the first name we breathe as we wake up.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not fully sure risking everything to tell you my feelings would be the smartest because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s OK. It’s OK to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s OK to not feel the same kind of attraction. But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. So completely enamored by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to love you, I am nowhere near ready too. And while I’m taking my time to get ready to love you, you might meet someone else. You might meet them and love them more than you could ever love me. And they’ll love you just as much. Because you are that person. The person people fall for immediately.

But don’t ever feel sorry for me. Never feel like I’ve lost out because I’ve never gotten to love you in that way. Because the love that I’ve gotten from this is so much better. You have shown me that people like you exist and that makes me far better off than most.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity.

My body is my journal and my tattoos are my story.

I’m not one to openly share my feelings with anyone but if the stories behind my tattoos could come alive at first glance they would bleed out a novel so heartbreaking.

There are many moments in life in which I’ve wanted to capture the essence of every single emotion that flooded into my brain and overtook my mind and they were moments so low that I said to myself, do not forget how much effort it took to let this moment pass. There were moments in life that deep in my soul, I knew something was going to radically change the path I was bound to take and I wanted those moments etched into my skin. I wanted them to live their own stories painted in other languages so they could tell the story a different way each time someone asked.

And when I knew that whatever was happening to me in that very moment was significant enough to scratch onto my skin, life seemed to change its course. So when someone asks, what does your tattoo say? What do your tattoos mean? It’s more complicated that a one-sentence answer or a simple explanation of a symbol. They mean in that very second in time the moment ink sunk into the skin and forever found its place on my body, I was becoming a new person and overcoming a dark time in which I only wanted myself to fully remember so I wouldn’t enter a time so painful again. Anyone who can read what these tattoos say can be fully assured that they know the darkest parts of my heart. But that is a place the world has yet to venture.

If you’re looking for a high quality, one-of-a-kind tattoo and want to get it done in a chill, judgment-free tattoo studio then The Skin Canvas Tattoo is definitely an artist and studio location worth considering. They use the  best equipment available in India and western countries, ranging from disposable kits, to all kinds of color and their compositions, also including inks, which are approved by the Food and Drug authority (FDA) of America. Our needles are specially imported from Korea and are disposable. The machines and all its parts are autoclaved (sterilized). Their equipment is top notch and privacy guaranteed to each client while they are getting tattooed. Okay, first of all I love the ambiance of the place. The excellence of the art of each and every person here is extravagant. I personally trust them with their experiences and the best part is I don’t have to explain much about what I want cause they always exceed my expectations. I’m personally very happy with the friendly atmosphere and the talent everyone has to offer will always surprises you and you can’t get enough of it. Thanks to The Skin Canvas and its team. I’m inked from them and I’m in love with all my tattoos and more to come up. Special thanks to Minal Goyari and Sanjay Varman who have inked the best tattoos ever. I will definitely get inked again.


There are short breaths and words that could be goodbyes but aren’t always intended to be.

And this is how a love can be something like a universe:

-You stop short of telling her you love her, because courage runs through your fingers not your tongue but she knows now, she knows. And it feels heavy despite the light freckles you count across her cheeks before meeting her eyes.
Would the universe still be beautiful if it had no color? You know that she would still be.

-She tells you she hopes that one day you’ll both owe the world nothing more, and it sounds like she hopes one day, together, you can just be. And the earth and the moon spin around a burning star, when will that owe them nothing more?

-Her hair turns golden in the light and you start to wonder where it was that the sun came from again.

-She kisses you and this time she gives you her everything and she doesn’t hate you like she could have done and something explodes within your chest, firing through your blood like a meteor storm.

-You breathe her in before you send it back, send with it whispers that echo. And she’s heard you say that before but interpreted it differently, thought of it like a battle.
“Will you take a life with me?”
This time it means stay, this time it means with you. Spend this life, choose this one of all the possible outcomes.

-And in that moment they all merge together into one, hazy moments in time, one where you never meet, one where you walk away, one where you don’t.
So maybe it is destiny, maybe its fate, maybe it’s something of the gods, or maybe it’s none of that. Both way, planets align and atoms collide until she takes this life with you in a clenched fist.

-That’s how you finally understand that the universe can be love.


Credit: Unknown


We May Be Different, But We Are Meant To Be

You and I are meant to be!

I know you wanted it to work, and I think you knew I did too. But instead, all we learned is sometimes things don’t. Sometimes things that are beautiful fall apart, no matter how much of yourself you invest, no matter how much love you’re willing to put in, and no matter how vulnerable you’re willing to get. Instead of what we had blossoming, it stopped, because we knew it had to.

I will never not blame timing. Had we been older, had we not been moving, had we been at different points in our lives, it would have lasted. There are so many “if onlys” and if all of them had aligned, it would have worked out. We would’ve worked out, that is. We could’ve stayed together, fought for each other, and kept making each other happy. We could’ve kept showing each other love and support. Our fingers would never have had to unlearn the feeling of the other person’s skin. Our lips would never have had to unmemorize the other’s.

Too often, I wake up thinking “what if?” What if I was waking up with you next to me? What if you were the first person I called when I woke? What if every morning, there was a text from you, telling me you woke up thinking about me too?

Every once and a while I still get that text, and I guess it reminds me that these things, these feelings, these regrets, even, are real for you too. People have always told me that when you break up with someone, you can’t turn to them for support. In fact, they’re the one person you aren’t supposed to go to. But we still go to each other. We still lean on each other for sympathy when one of us needs the other. When someone has been your primary support system for so long, it’s impossible to cut that connection off, and it’s even more difficult when there wasn’t a “reason” for the break up.

That’s the shittiest part of timing not being on our side. There was no other great reason to separate. There was no blow-out fight, no cheating, no messes or fires to put out or people saying the wrong thing. There was no incompatibility. There was only the numbing realization that this wasn’t our time, and that prolonging the end was useless. That’s all there was. And because of that, there wasn’t a reason to be mad at you. I almost want to be mad at you, because that would make things so much easier, but I can’t be. You did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. And yet, we’re not together anymore.

In the end though, we weren’t the only two things in the world that had to line up perfectly. I know we did, but there are thousands of other minuscule variables in the universe that also have to line up for real love to work and to last.

You once told me you would always have a place for me in your heart, and I hope that stays true. We will live in different places, and be with different people, and do different things. And at some point, the desperate desire to call the other person whenever we have good news (or whenever we fail) will fade. But I hope the door to each other’s lives never fully closes. Because even though the timing wasn’t right, I know we were for you said ‘We maybe different, but we are meant to be.’

Book That You Can Never Read

You can read my words but you can’t really understand my sentences, you can’t understand why I paused after a certain sentence or why I ended a sentence with an exclamation mark rather than a full stop.

You can read my headlines but you won’t grasp what I’m trying to say, you won’t know if it’s a misleading headline or a headline that has nothing to do with what I’m truly trying to say. In other words, you can’t sum me up in one headline.

When I write about loving you, you’d think that I can’t sleep at night thinking about you, but the truth is, I write about a familiar feeling; a moment in time when life was wondrous and I was mesmerized. A feeling that struck me once before that I couldn’t forget.

I write about how you made me feel because I loved that feeling — not you.

When I write about missing you, I write about the person you used to be, the person you pretended you were or the person I thought you were. I write about whom I thought you were and the things you made me believe in. I miss the rush of emotions, the whopping smile on my face when I saw your name on my phone, the bright future that I painted in all my favorite colors and the moment I realized that I’m capable of loving unconditionally.

I write about missing everything about that phase but that doesn’t mean I want to call you or I want you back. Missing you serves as an inspiration not a final statement. You can translate my words into your language but it still won’t make sense because you and I speak in very different languages with totally different connotations. You can try to read between the lines but you’ll always find them blurry and murky because you interpret things according to how your mind operates and your mind is a maze.

My words are a reflection of me; they can be contradicting, they can be wise, they can be childish, they can be insane, they can be idealistic, they can be flawed, they can be harsh and they can be fragile. My words can be a lot of things but they will always be real. I’m an open book because I write about the finest details but you were never detail-oriented so you will never understand the depth of my words.

My book is open, you can flip through my pages or highlight my words but you will never be able to pin me down, because it takes more than reading from a distance to know me, it takes more than a few words to figure me out and it takes a lot more than reading to know my story but you never had the courage to finish the story till the end.

So you can read my book a thousand times but you still won’t be able to read me.