Dear Future Lover.

Dear Future Lover,

I’d like to think that this will pass. That someday I’ll wake up and want to chase those butterflies you offer; the kind that love is too sparing with. I hope that I’m able to let my guard down & that I’m willing to let you more than halfway in. I want to be able to take you for what you’re worth; believe you for what you tell me to be true. But even though I try not to carry everything that weighs me down, I sometimes catch my reflection & see it all there on my back.

I know it isn’t fair to ask you to sort through the mess that he left behind. But I’m somewhere buried beneath that heap of heartbreak, I promise. The girl who is capable of letting the light in is in there, she just hasn’t seen it in so long. I hope that you’ll still reach for my hand in the darkness because I’m searching for yours, even if I don’t know it yet.

I’m going to try not to make too many promises. But the one thing I can promise is that if you can be patient with me, you’ll never know a love like mine. I have so much to give to you; I just need to get it all back first.

I hope that we can fill up the space in each other’s lives in a way we have never known before; that all the brokenness in me has just been waiting for you to fill me up. I would have never known it is possible to feel that whole. And when my fingers fit snugly in yours, or my head rests perfectly on your shoulder, I hope you’ll never know such a fullness.

When you tell me you love me, I hope that I won’t have to weigh it out. That you remind me every day in the way you look at me, the way you tell me that I’m beautiful & in the way you make me feel alive. I hope that we set each other ablaze with love and we will have never seen something burn so bright.

I hope that we can be each other’s teachers. I want to learn the caverns of your soul & the peaks of your life before I stumbled into it demanding answers to the questions meant for someone else.
I’ll owe you my heart, because you taught me how to fill it up again.

You have a good soul. I know you do because you’ll remind me every step of the way that I do too.

I’m waiting for you, just as you are for me. I’ll love you whole if you be patient with me.

I will always love you

When the sun rises, brushing the skies with its bright, vivid, cascading shades of orange, red, and yellow, as the earth begins its slow, gleeful, eventual thaw, as we forget and relive, as our hands grow numb, chilled by the winter breeze, the rising sun lights your hair, looking a deep shade of crimson, I will love you.

I’ll never forget the dark times, the good times, the secret times. Love, as they say, is too short; forgetting, so long, and memories of it, everlasting. I’ll love you before, during, and after; and I promise, I’ll always remember. I’ll love you from the feet that’s walked a million miles, to the eyes that’s seen a million people, I’ll love you from the fingers that’s touched a million objects, a million blades of grass, I’ll love you a million times and I’ll love you another million.

My love will grow in your brief absences. My love will encompass you in your presence. It will be a generous love, a stifling love, a distant love. It will be a remorseful love, a caressing love, a comforting love. It will be a destined love, a bizarre love, a jealous love, but above all, it will be a genuine love; a love so true, so real, so modest, so painful, so fearful, so anguished, so hateful, so spiteful, so infinite, so imperfect.

My love of you is a coarse love, a fine love; a brutal love, a tame love; I’ll love you in more ways than one.

When the smoke rises from the building tops, just beyond the smokestacks, the wisps disappear into the air; and although they dissipate, you are certain it is there, in existence, before, during, and after. When the sun rises, illuminating the skyscrapers beyond, you are certain of the figures behind the glinting windows. You are certain the way you are certain you will rise after you close your eyes; you are certain you will die the way everyone else before us has died; you are certain of your existence, your mortality. When the world around you quiets down to a murmur, when the sun has set, leaving empty, quiet nights in its wake, there will be someone holding your numbing hands — me.

And this, this is how I’ll love you. I will always love you!

I Wish I Could Tell You.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too. And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I love you.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you. I think about you when it’s dead at lectures and I’m just wishing I’m anywhere else. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I’m in love with you I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of losing you. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we need to be together. That’s when the lines of loving someone and being in love with someone are blurred. And my lines with you are so blurry. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t know.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not get to be with that person. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that they’re the last thing we see at night and the first name we breathe as we wake up.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not fully sure risking everything to tell you my feelings would be the smartest because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s OK. It’s OK to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s OK to not feel the same kind of attraction. But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. So completely enamored by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to love you, I am nowhere near ready too. And while I’m taking my time to get ready to love you, you might meet someone else. You might meet them and love them more than you could ever love me. And they’ll love you just as much. Because you are that person. The person people fall for immediately.

But don’t ever feel sorry for me. Never feel like I’ve lost out because I’ve never gotten to love you in that way. Because the love that I’ve gotten from this is so much better. You have shown me that people like you exist and that makes me far better off than most.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity.

My body is my journal and my tattoos are my story.

I’m not one to openly share my feelings with anyone but if the stories behind my tattoos could come alive at first glance they would bleed out a novel so heartbreaking.

There are many moments in life in which I’ve wanted to capture the essence of every single emotion that flooded into my brain and overtook my mind and they were moments so low that I said to myself, do not forget how much effort it took to let this moment pass. There were moments in life that deep in my soul, I knew something was going to radically change the path I was bound to take and I wanted those moments etched into my skin. I wanted them to live their own stories painted in other languages so they could tell the story a different way each time someone asked.

And when I knew that whatever was happening to me in that very moment was significant enough to scratch onto my skin, life seemed to change its course. So when someone asks, what does your tattoo say? What do your tattoos mean? It’s more complicated that a one-sentence answer or a simple explanation of a symbol. They mean in that very second in time the moment ink sunk into the skin and forever found its place on my body, I was becoming a new person and overcoming a dark time in which I only wanted myself to fully remember so I wouldn’t enter a time so painful again. Anyone who can read what these tattoos say can be fully assured that they know the darkest parts of my heart. But that is a place the world has yet to venture.

If you’re looking for a high quality, one-of-a-kind tattoo and want to get it done in a chill, judgment-free tattoo studio then The Skin Canvas Tattoo is definitely an artist and studio location worth considering. They use the  best equipment available in India and western countries, ranging from disposable kits, to all kinds of color and their compositions, also including inks, which are approved by the Food and Drug authority (FDA) of America. Our needles are specially imported from Korea and are disposable. The machines and all its parts are autoclaved (sterilized). Their equipment is top notch and privacy guaranteed to each client while they are getting tattooed. Okay, first of all I love the ambiance of the place. The excellence of the art of each and every person here is extravagant. I personally trust them with their experiences and the best part is I don’t have to explain much about what I want cause they always exceed my expectations. I’m personally very happy with the friendly atmosphere and the talent everyone has to offer will always surprises you and you can’t get enough of it. Thanks to The Skin Canvas and its team. I’m inked from them and I’m in love with all my tattoos and more to come up. Special thanks to Minal Goyari and Sanjay Varman who have inked the best tattoos ever. I will definitely get inked again.

Universe

There are short breaths and words that could be goodbyes but aren’t always intended to be.

And this is how a love can be something like a universe:

-You stop short of telling her you love her, because courage runs through your fingers not your tongue but she knows now, she knows. And it feels heavy despite the light freckles you count across her cheeks before meeting her eyes.
Would the universe still be beautiful if it had no color? You know that she would still be.

-She tells you she hopes that one day you’ll both owe the world nothing more, and it sounds like she hopes one day, together, you can just be. And the earth and the moon spin around a burning star, when will that owe them nothing more?

-Her hair turns golden in the light and you start to wonder where it was that the sun came from again.

-She kisses you and this time she gives you her everything and she doesn’t hate you like she could have done and something explodes within your chest, firing through your blood like a meteor storm.

-You breathe her in before you send it back, send with it whispers that echo. And she’s heard you say that before but interpreted it differently, thought of it like a battle.
“Will you take a life with me?”
This time it means stay, this time it means with you. Spend this life, choose this one of all the possible outcomes.

-And in that moment they all merge together into one, hazy moments in time, one where you never meet, one where you walk away, one where you don’t.
So maybe it is destiny, maybe its fate, maybe it’s something of the gods, or maybe it’s none of that. Both way, planets align and atoms collide until she takes this life with you in a clenched fist.

-That’s how you finally understand that the universe can be love.

 

Credit: Unknown

 

We May Be Different, But We Are Meant To Be

You and I are meant to be!

I know you wanted it to work, and I think you knew I did too. But instead, all we learned is sometimes things don’t. Sometimes things that are beautiful fall apart, no matter how much of yourself you invest, no matter how much love you’re willing to put in, and no matter how vulnerable you’re willing to get. Instead of what we had blossoming, it stopped, because we knew it had to.

I will never not blame timing. Had we been older, had we not been moving, had we been at different points in our lives, it would have lasted. There are so many “if onlys” and if all of them had aligned, it would have worked out. We would’ve worked out, that is. We could’ve stayed together, fought for each other, and kept making each other happy. We could’ve kept showing each other love and support. Our fingers would never have had to unlearn the feeling of the other person’s skin. Our lips would never have had to unmemorize the other’s.

Too often, I wake up thinking “what if?” What if I was waking up with you next to me? What if you were the first person I called when I woke? What if every morning, there was a text from you, telling me you woke up thinking about me too?

Every once and a while I still get that text, and I guess it reminds me that these things, these feelings, these regrets, even, are real for you too. People have always told me that when you break up with someone, you can’t turn to them for support. In fact, they’re the one person you aren’t supposed to go to. But we still go to each other. We still lean on each other for sympathy when one of us needs the other. When someone has been your primary support system for so long, it’s impossible to cut that connection off, and it’s even more difficult when there wasn’t a “reason” for the break up.

That’s the shittiest part of timing not being on our side. There was no other great reason to separate. There was no blow-out fight, no cheating, no messes or fires to put out or people saying the wrong thing. There was no incompatibility. There was only the numbing realization that this wasn’t our time, and that prolonging the end was useless. That’s all there was. And because of that, there wasn’t a reason to be mad at you. I almost want to be mad at you, because that would make things so much easier, but I can’t be. You did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. And yet, we’re not together anymore.

In the end though, we weren’t the only two things in the world that had to line up perfectly. I know we did, but there are thousands of other minuscule variables in the universe that also have to line up for real love to work and to last.

You once told me you would always have a place for me in your heart, and I hope that stays true. We will live in different places, and be with different people, and do different things. And at some point, the desperate desire to call the other person whenever we have good news (or whenever we fail) will fade. But I hope the door to each other’s lives never fully closes. Because even though the timing wasn’t right, I know we were for you said ‘We maybe different, but we are meant to be.’

Book That You Can Never Read

You can read my words but you can’t really understand my sentences, you can’t understand why I paused after a certain sentence or why I ended a sentence with an exclamation mark rather than a full stop.

You can read my headlines but you won’t grasp what I’m trying to say, you won’t know if it’s a misleading headline or a headline that has nothing to do with what I’m truly trying to say. In other words, you can’t sum me up in one headline.

When I write about loving you, you’d think that I can’t sleep at night thinking about you, but the truth is, I write about a familiar feeling; a moment in time when life was wondrous and I was mesmerized. A feeling that struck me once before that I couldn’t forget.

I write about how you made me feel because I loved that feeling — not you.

When I write about missing you, I write about the person you used to be, the person you pretended you were or the person I thought you were. I write about whom I thought you were and the things you made me believe in. I miss the rush of emotions, the whopping smile on my face when I saw your name on my phone, the bright future that I painted in all my favorite colors and the moment I realized that I’m capable of loving unconditionally.

I write about missing everything about that phase but that doesn’t mean I want to call you or I want you back. Missing you serves as an inspiration not a final statement. You can translate my words into your language but it still won’t make sense because you and I speak in very different languages with totally different connotations. You can try to read between the lines but you’ll always find them blurry and murky because you interpret things according to how your mind operates and your mind is a maze.

My words are a reflection of me; they can be contradicting, they can be wise, they can be childish, they can be insane, they can be idealistic, they can be flawed, they can be harsh and they can be fragile. My words can be a lot of things but they will always be real. I’m an open book because I write about the finest details but you were never detail-oriented so you will never understand the depth of my words.

My book is open, you can flip through my pages or highlight my words but you will never be able to pin me down, because it takes more than reading from a distance to know me, it takes more than a few words to figure me out and it takes a lot more than reading to know my story but you never had the courage to finish the story till the end.

So you can read my book a thousand times but you still won’t be able to read me.

 

12 Days Seemed Like 12 Years.

It is one thing to have a best friend. It’s another to have that friend also be your room neighbor. You’re no longer just friends. You become something of a family. And when they have to leave after 12 days with you in the dwindling time you even have left together, it becomes a very sad sad day.

With your absence, I lose a partner-in-crime, a drinking buddy, a Whatsapp best friend, series marathons, late night revelations, a telepathic partner, a confidante, a news source, a personal life and gym coach, a cuddy buddy, a souse-chef, a mother and so much more. However, this absence only reminds me what it means to have friend like you. It reminds me how special these bonds are and the importance of people like you in my life. Its friends like you that know me better than I know myself. It’s this kind of friend that reminds me that I deserve better when I need to hear it, and know when to keep their mouths shut when I need to figure it out for myself. It’s these friends who are by my side without ever having to ask. It’s these kinds of friend like you I know were meant to be more than just college roommates, but lifelong friends.

As you embark on this journey on your own, you understand that this is only the beginning. That soon enough, we will each begin our own path in pursuit of fulfilling our own unique desires and dreams. With your day of departure fast-approaching there is only one more time where we can spend entire night lying in bed watching series (Breaking Bad), talking endlessly about girls, discussing future wedding plans, contemplating our futures, while not giving a fuck or understanding how close the departure and future really is. But that future is the scary part. We’re being tossed into the world (and by world I mean moving back into our parents houses looking desperately for jobs) like a chicken with our heads cut off, not knowing what to do next. And not only will it be the first time in your life you may not be returning to institution, but it will be the first time in a very long time that this physical separation between you and me is more than just temporary. But again, it’s this kind of friend that I know were meant to be more than just college roommates. We are meant to be lifelong friends. So no, I’m no longer that sad you’re leaving, because I know it’s not the end, but only the beginning of what’s to come.

P.S. It hurts when you lose someone close to you on the very same date and month.

3 AM

It’s 3 am and the night still asks me about you and all I can do is ask the night to let me sleep and bring you in my dreams and maybe one of those nights my dream will come true and the night will stop asking me about you.

It’s at 3 am that the night hits me and asks me about you. It asks me how you’re doing and I still don’t have an answer. I like to believe that you’re fine but a part of me doesn’t really want you to be fine without me. The stars ask me if you still shine everywhere you go and if your smile still brightens up anyone’s day and I can’t help but say yes, because even if I haven’t seen you, I know that you’ll always shine even if it’s dark inside you. And sometimes the night and I wonder if you miss me and if you’re also looking out the window waiting for a miracle.

The moon asks me if I will ever forget you, and I can’t help but confess that I’ve learned to forget everything in the past but I couldn’t forget the way you made me feel, I tell the moon that I learned how to forget everyone who hurt me but I still haven’t learned how to forget you. And even the moon can’t forget you because it’s always full when I’m missing you. The skies ask me if I’ll ever reach out to you and I tell them that I’m scared of not getting a response but the truth is I’m scared more of getting a response, I’m scared of hearing your voice and I’m terrified of loving you again. And sometimes the skies make the night a little bit warmer when I think about you.

I wonder if the night will ever stop haunting me at 3 am to ask me about you. Sometimes I think the night is lonely and missing some company but then every time I bring someone else, the night gets colder and moon disappears.

I think I’m bound to spend my nights remembering you and there is nothing more I can do because the night was not made to be alone, the stars were not meant to shine above a broken heart and the moon was not meant to hide behind the clouds. The night craves love and intimacy, the night needs two souls bound together by its beauty, comforting each other from the troubles of the day.

And it’s the like the night conspired to keep me up until you’re back to me.

It’s 3 am and the night still asks me about you and all I can do is ask the night to let me sleep and bring you in my dreams and maybe one of those nights my dream will come true and the night will stop asking me about you.

To The One I Left Back Home.

But I want you to know that wherever this home may be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always love you and you will forever be my favorite home and you will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and I will try to win.

It’s been a hard journey but I’m finally heading somewhere, the road is still long and the destination is not crystal clear but I’ve finally learned how to drive in the storms and keep on driving until the sun shines again. I sometimes wish I could just go back home and not have to deal with any of these hurdles, but I feel like maybe something big is waiting for me at the end of the road; something told me that I need to go find myself away from the comfort of my bed and the warmth of your hugs. I had to leave so I can grow, so I can be the person you told me I was; the potential you saw in me that I couldn’t see in myself and the person you wanted me to be.

I have tried to find people like you to make the road easier but it was hard to find anyone that could replace you but I learned that you will always be irreplaceable and it would be unfair to compare anyone I meet to you. I’ve met a lot of people who did not resemble me, who did not even speak my language but I found so much value in our differences and they trained me to find the balance in sticking to my roots while trying to understand them. I realized there’s so much more to explore outside the realm of our little jokes and our familiar conversations, outside the luxury of not having to explain myself or wonder if someone misunderstood me and outside the silence we never really feared, but here, silence makes you think, it makes you question, it could drive you crazy – silence is petrifying.

I often hear people complain about the distance or how much they missed home and I would always say well they should just go back, until I was repeatedly faced with the same feeling and I almost booked a one way ticket back home but I didn’t want this to be the end of my journey. I didn’t want to come home the same person that left and I didn’t want to come home without a fight, I didn’t want to come home when I haven’t battled anyone. I wanted to come back as a winner, a champion or a fighter, someone who fought till the end, someone who tried and someone who didn’t let you down.

Because it’s the fight that keeps you going, it’s the lonely days and the tearful nights, the disappointments and the heart breaks, the setbacks and the naysayers and it’s those who want to bring you down who keep you racing to the top. No one said it would be easy to start over and if I can’t handle the stones I encounter on the way then I don’t deserve the diamonds that I’m searching for. But I want you to know that you keep me going more than anyone, when everything is bleak, I remember the nights we spent laughing and singing randomly as we chat, I remember the nights we held each other tight whenever one of us was hurting and I remember all the crazy memories we had and the silly things we did and these memories make me feel alive. They remind me of how lucky I am that I have people like you to come home to, they remind me that no matter how far I wander, you’re still close to me – closer than ever.

And I want you to know that I will be okay; at times I may get lost and at times I may struggle to stay in touch with you but I will never completely disappear, I will never not know where I am or how to go back and I will never forget where I came from.

I want you to know that I didn’t leave because of you, I left because of me, because of the person I was becoming, because of the person I was turning into and because I started to feel like I didn’t belong but I learned that home doesn’t have to be one place, that you could have many homes in your lifetime but you’ll still have one special home you loved more, one special home you miss, one special home you had the best times in and I think I want to live in other homes for a while, I want to see what other homes will welcome me in and I want to have as many homes as possible before I decide to settle in one.

But I want you to know that wherever this home may be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always love you and you will forever be my favorite home and you will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and I will try to win.