Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise.

I haven’t wrote in a while. It takes a lot of energy out of me to expose the truth and stories because of the detail I see and feel them with. I wanted to give an update on everything. It has been weeks I have been back home and I am still in the mindset of doing nothing.
I live my life sometimes tortured by anxiety and depression. When I was a kid I laughed without worry of ever having to stop. I went to sleep without eyes full of images of the things I failed and ruined. My mind kissed my heart and we both slept in the same bed. Over the years I have learned how to control my emotions and not allow them to venture out for as long as before when they didn’t have to fight back. My bones are ravaged with bite marks from my own teeth, continually testing who I am to see if I can break. I do not scare easily, but I am afraid of the dark. What people don’t know is, that I have called it mine for entirely too long. One wouldn’t think you could be frightened by a place you call home. It’s not the structure itself. It’s what lives inside the walls that keep you cornered and timid to live a meaningful life. Words are etched there for you to read, and it’s there you will find a story of conviction and how she opened the door for me. This world we keep walking around in, pretending to be okay, is rather simple once you figure out we all are housing our own pain. Keep breathing deep and when you’re ready, it will all come to the top to be released and set free into the lives of who need to hear what you have to say. You’re the lifeblood for more people than you realize. You are the reason why stars stay up so late.

In the past, I oftentimes allowed other people to control my actions. I was never completely in control over my own life. I was either drawing or staying up late or doing other stuff that wasn’t conductive for my health. I allowed them to manipulate me and in return, I sabotaged a large portion of my life. I was never good at saying no to things or to people. I always felt guilty like I was letting them down if I wasn’t feeling up to it. It’s sad, but I did this more than half my life. I was a people pleaser and somewhat of a pushover because I had a hard time standing up for my beliefs. But I was always there to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves. That’s my strongest if someone were to ask me. If you’re going to fuck with my friends or someone I love, you’re not going to be standing there for long. I used drinking to cover up a lot who I was because I wanted to be someone else. Looking back now I probably killed more moments than I created, and that’s hard for me to take in. I love too much and too often. I live life down the road at times. I always wander off upstairs in my head.
I’m passionate about my life and happy to be me now. The man who started this page is no longer charge of it. I’ve taken control of the parts of my life I can and making plans to get all of it back here shortly.

 
Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise.

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Dear Future Lover.

Dear Future Lover,

I’d like to think that this will pass. That someday I’ll wake up and want to chase those butterflies you offer; the kind that love is too sparing with. I hope that I’m able to let my guard down & that I’m willing to let you more than halfway in. I want to be able to take you for what you’re worth; believe you for what you tell me to be true. But even though I try not to carry everything that weighs me down, I sometimes catch my reflection & see it all there on my back.

I know it isn’t fair to ask you to sort through the mess that he left behind. But I’m somewhere buried beneath that heap of heartbreak, I promise. The girl who is capable of letting the light in is in there, she just hasn’t seen it in so long. I hope that you’ll still reach for my hand in the darkness because I’m searching for yours, even if I don’t know it yet.

I’m going to try not to make too many promises. But the one thing I can promise is that if you can be patient with me, you’ll never know a love like mine. I have so much to give to you; I just need to get it all back first.

I hope that we can fill up the space in each other’s lives in a way we have never known before; that all the brokenness in me has just been waiting for you to fill me up. I would have never known it is possible to feel that whole. And when my fingers fit snugly in yours, or my head rests perfectly on your shoulder, I hope you’ll never know such a fullness.

When you tell me you love me, I hope that I won’t have to weigh it out. That you remind me every day in the way you look at me, the way you tell me that I’m beautiful & in the way you make me feel alive. I hope that we set each other ablaze with love and we will have never seen something burn so bright.

I hope that we can be each other’s teachers. I want to learn the caverns of your soul & the peaks of your life before I stumbled into it demanding answers to the questions meant for someone else.
I’ll owe you my heart, because you taught me how to fill it up again.

You have a good soul. I know you do because you’ll remind me every step of the way that I do too.

I’m waiting for you, just as you are for me. I’ll love you whole if you be patient with me.

I will always love you

When the sun rises, brushing the skies with its bright, vivid, cascading shades of orange, red, and yellow, as the earth begins its slow, gleeful, eventual thaw, as we forget and relive, as our hands grow numb, chilled by the winter breeze, the rising sun lights your hair, looking a deep shade of crimson, I will love you.

I’ll never forget the dark times, the good times, the secret times. Love, as they say, is too short; forgetting, so long, and memories of it, everlasting. I’ll love you before, during, and after; and I promise, I’ll always remember. I’ll love you from the feet that’s walked a million miles, to the eyes that’s seen a million people, I’ll love you from the fingers that’s touched a million objects, a million blades of grass, I’ll love you a million times and I’ll love you another million.

My love will grow in your brief absences. My love will encompass you in your presence. It will be a generous love, a stifling love, a distant love. It will be a remorseful love, a caressing love, a comforting love. It will be a destined love, a bizarre love, a jealous love, but above all, it will be a genuine love; a love so true, so real, so modest, so painful, so fearful, so anguished, so hateful, so spiteful, so infinite, so imperfect.

My love of you is a coarse love, a fine love; a brutal love, a tame love; I’ll love you in more ways than one.

When the smoke rises from the building tops, just beyond the smokestacks, the wisps disappear into the air; and although they dissipate, you are certain it is there, in existence, before, during, and after. When the sun rises, illuminating the skyscrapers beyond, you are certain of the figures behind the glinting windows. You are certain the way you are certain you will rise after you close your eyes; you are certain you will die the way everyone else before us has died; you are certain of your existence, your mortality. When the world around you quiets down to a murmur, when the sun has set, leaving empty, quiet nights in its wake, there will be someone holding your numbing hands — me.

And this, this is how I’ll love you. I will always love you!

Stay with me forever

I may not be your person but I will always stay with you.

The type of girl I want to stay with is the type of girl who stayed and became the girl who was left.

I am the guy who may not make you stay but I am the guy who will make you realize that staying longer can make things better. I may not be the guy who gives you everything but I am the guy who gives you the best. I may not be the ideal guy who deserves your love but I am the guy who returns the love more than what you deserve.

I am the guy who will stay.

Maybe, I am not the guy that would be able to climb the walls protecting your heart but I am the guy who will constantly knock the door you closed. I may not be the guy who can find the key that locked it but I am the guy who will stay behind it. I may not be the guy who you can trust with but I am the guy who you can learn to trust. I’m the guy who will help you realize that you’re not the girl worth leaving.

I’m the guy who will find ways for you not to leave.

I like the girl who once stayed after broken promises and second chances. I like the girl who once put in so much time and effort in a relationship even if those were not returned. I like the girl who once had hope that things will become better before the day was over. I like the girl who once believed in forever.

Now, I love the girl who once stayed with her past but eventually wanted to leave.
It’s the girl who wanted someone but eventually didn’t want to go back to him. It’s the girl who was interested but eventually got exhausted. It’s the girl who sent sweet messages but eventually never texted at all. It’s the girl who always thought of “we” but eventually only considered “I.”

I love that girl; not only that girl of the past but also of the present and of the future. I love to stay with that girl even if staying is not anymore in her actions. I love to teach that girl; that there is still a man who may get tired but will not give up. I love to be with that girl even if things get complicated.

All I want is to stay in love with you and never ever leave you.. So stay with me till the end of time, will you?

I Wish I Could Tell You.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too. And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I love you.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you. I think about you when it’s dead at lectures and I’m just wishing I’m anywhere else. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I’m in love with you I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of losing you. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we need to be together. That’s when the lines of loving someone and being in love with someone are blurred. And my lines with you are so blurry. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t know.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not get to be with that person. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that they’re the last thing we see at night and the first name we breathe as we wake up.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not fully sure risking everything to tell you my feelings would be the smartest because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s OK. It’s OK to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s OK to not feel the same kind of attraction. But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. So completely enamored by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to love you, I am nowhere near ready too. And while I’m taking my time to get ready to love you, you might meet someone else. You might meet them and love them more than you could ever love me. And they’ll love you just as much. Because you are that person. The person people fall for immediately.

But don’t ever feel sorry for me. Never feel like I’ve lost out because I’ve never gotten to love you in that way. Because the love that I’ve gotten from this is so much better. You have shown me that people like you exist and that makes me far better off than most.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity.

My body is my journal and my tattoos are my story.

I’m not one to openly share my feelings with anyone but if the stories behind my tattoos could come alive at first glance they would bleed out a novel so heartbreaking.

There are many moments in life in which I’ve wanted to capture the essence of every single emotion that flooded into my brain and overtook my mind and they were moments so low that I said to myself, do not forget how much effort it took to let this moment pass. There were moments in life that deep in my soul, I knew something was going to radically change the path I was bound to take and I wanted those moments etched into my skin. I wanted them to live their own stories painted in other languages so they could tell the story a different way each time someone asked.

And when I knew that whatever was happening to me in that very moment was significant enough to scratch onto my skin, life seemed to change its course. So when someone asks, what does your tattoo say? What do your tattoos mean? It’s more complicated that a one-sentence answer or a simple explanation of a symbol. They mean in that very second in time the moment ink sunk into the skin and forever found its place on my body, I was becoming a new person and overcoming a dark time in which I only wanted myself to fully remember so I wouldn’t enter a time so painful again. Anyone who can read what these tattoos say can be fully assured that they know the darkest parts of my heart. But that is a place the world has yet to venture.

If you’re looking for a high quality, one-of-a-kind tattoo and want to get it done in a chill, judgment-free tattoo studio then The Skin Canvas Tattoo is definitely an artist and studio location worth considering. They use the  best equipment available in India and western countries, ranging from disposable kits, to all kinds of color and their compositions, also including inks, which are approved by the Food and Drug authority (FDA) of America. Our needles are specially imported from Korea and are disposable. The machines and all its parts are autoclaved (sterilized). Their equipment is top notch and privacy guaranteed to each client while they are getting tattooed. Okay, first of all I love the ambiance of the place. The excellence of the art of each and every person here is extravagant. I personally trust them with their experiences and the best part is I don’t have to explain much about what I want cause they always exceed my expectations. I’m personally very happy with the friendly atmosphere and the talent everyone has to offer will always surprises you and you can’t get enough of it. Thanks to The Skin Canvas and its team. I’m inked from them and I’m in love with all my tattoos and more to come up. Special thanks to Minal Goyari and Sanjay Varman who have inked the best tattoos ever. I will definitely get inked again.

Universe

There are short breaths and words that could be goodbyes but aren’t always intended to be.

And this is how a love can be something like a universe:

-You stop short of telling her you love her, because courage runs through your fingers not your tongue but she knows now, she knows. And it feels heavy despite the light freckles you count across her cheeks before meeting her eyes.
Would the universe still be beautiful if it had no color? You know that she would still be.

-She tells you she hopes that one day you’ll both owe the world nothing more, and it sounds like she hopes one day, together, you can just be. And the earth and the moon spin around a burning star, when will that owe them nothing more?

-Her hair turns golden in the light and you start to wonder where it was that the sun came from again.

-She kisses you and this time she gives you her everything and she doesn’t hate you like she could have done and something explodes within your chest, firing through your blood like a meteor storm.

-You breathe her in before you send it back, send with it whispers that echo. And she’s heard you say that before but interpreted it differently, thought of it like a battle.
“Will you take a life with me?”
This time it means stay, this time it means with you. Spend this life, choose this one of all the possible outcomes.

-And in that moment they all merge together into one, hazy moments in time, one where you never meet, one where you walk away, one where you don’t.
So maybe it is destiny, maybe its fate, maybe it’s something of the gods, or maybe it’s none of that. Both way, planets align and atoms collide until she takes this life with you in a clenched fist.

-That’s how you finally understand that the universe can be love.

 

Credit: Unknown

 

Loving Your Best Friend

Your face is perfection and beauty all blended together. I can’t remember how and when it all began, but the feel of your touch when you sat next to me, makes me look forward to something better; something fairy-tale-like, something magical.

Your eyes remind me of the stars in a pitch black night, with the gorgeous spark that lights up the dark skies. Your voice is harmony; it brings music to my soul. Talking to you makes the arms of the clock immoveable; your presence is like time lapse in the axis of the universe.

You are the reason I want to love again, the very one who makes me see love as a beautiful thing, that love is not scary. You are the poetry in my unfinished journal, and the story that I want to read forever.

You are the fulfillment of that song written by the hands of God, the notes that make music sound so pleasing. You are the warmth of every summer night, and the chill of every sunny day.

These are the things I meant to tell you since day one. Things I kept hidden for the longest time. Things I wanted you to know, yet too afraid I’d lose you if you are to find out.

You are the captivity to my long lost dreams. Your hands are the ones I wish I could clasp with mine. You are the lover I wish to be with but can never have.

You are one of the many reasons why I am able to smile today. You gave me the hope that maybe, just maybe…you and I, can be. I cannot quite retaliate; if I came too late, or that you have found someone too soon, or that you’re just noticing, or rather avoiding to acknowledge… all I am sure of is that, we missed the path where our destiny is supposed to meet.

You are the reason I hold dear to hope…you are the reason why I hope for things to change… and I hope things change soon.

I wish for the day I become the address of your love and compassion, that very day you realize I am the one… and has been the one since the day our eyes met.

You are the entity that fuels my willingness to look forward to that day…when you and I “will be”. I know I’ve pushed the boundary, and although I get so frustrated sometimes, I badly want to rewrite that fine line that connects our lives, and highlight it with a yellow marker that would indicate we are meant to intertwine, in a hoop that is bound to never end. I badly want to be the one, for you are the one I ought to love… but I cannot have.

This confession does not long for your answer or judgment. I just wanted you to know that I accounted for all possibilities, for every turn my little intervention might bring. This I ask of you: Don’t look at me with sympathy, don’t treat me with sincerity out of pity – just smile genuinely, the reason behind doesn’t have to be me. I just wanted to enlighten you, of how wonderful a person you are. You are an inspiration to someone…you are an inspiration to me.

You and I are too close, yet at the same time, too distant… I ask myself now . . .what if?

What if it has always been you and me? I won’t conclude for sure, but I will cherish that I have you in my life. Even if we stay like this, I will always admire the type of person you are; And if I were to love you more than a friend, I will make sure I am still your best friend.

I’m so sorry, I did not mean to make us feel awkward…for we are best friends – and it makes me happy to tell you how deeply I fell in love with you.

 

-Credits: Aman Mishra

The way you feel when someone dies

You might start to think long and hard about the way you treat people, realizing you never know when the last time you’ll see someone is.

This goes out to all those who lost their loved ones at some point of their life. A noble man once said me “Despair not my friend cause ‘smile’ is what they want to see on your lips and ‘happy’ is what they want you to be no matter what the circumstances might be.”

 

  • This is not possible.

I woke up to a series of text messages and missed calls from a friend who I knew wouldn’t be trying to reach me at 9 AM on a Sunday if it wasn’t important. And I’d had several people hanging out at my house the night before enjoying a campfire. Apparently one of them didn’t make it home. After she told me this on the phone, I got out of bed, and, did what I knew how to do: I made breakfast. Ten minutes later, while sitting in silence with a friend on my porch, the truth of what she said made its way to the front of my brain, like a detour I had to take on a route home. I could no longer carry on ignoring what she’d said, and had to let my heart and brain try to embrace it. But how does that fit into daily life? To find out someone you were just with 12 hours earlier spent their last hours on Earth with you? I broke down and cried, more of a body convulsing kind of cry than tears. There was fear, heartache, and a heaviness I have never felt.

  • I’m fine.

I met my friend at work. He was 24 when he passed away in a single-car crash after leaving my house. The day after I found out he died, I went to work to be with my coworkers when they found out. We walked around the parking lot, and I mostly tried to comfort my friends who were crying. It seems my adrenaline was in overdrive at this point because I was going through the motions and didn’t feel the weight of sadness anymore.

  • This isn’t fair.

Why did someone so young die? What is the purpose? Why do I have to deal with this? Why does his family have to face this tragedy? Why did my friends not reach out to me and bring me food? Why did they not visit me? Why did my parents not say the right things? Why did my boss expect me to continue working? No one understood. I had enough energy and angst to run ten miles but also had no motivation to move or get out of bed, so my anger at God, at my boss, at everyone, manifest itself by yelling at my mom. Thank God for the idea to go pick strawberries that day to get rid of some energy and get out of the house. Being active and around other people helped.

  • This is too much for me to handle.

I returned to work immediately after my friend died, and I remember staring at the screen on my computer and not actually registering any of the text I was looking at. I was there, but my mind was a thousand miles away. Hearing other people on the phones doing business sounded like nails on a chalkboard and also like something out of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. Everything was blurry. I felt so detached, and sensitive. Their voices grew louder, and everyone was talking so fast, it seemed, I felt dizzy, nauseous, and that I would burst. There is no way to hold in tears and you should let them fall out of your eyeballs whenever you need to. Hopefully your coworkers will understand. Also, give yourself all the time you need. I wish someone would’ve said this to me, not, “take a day off,” but, “don’t rush back to work or feel you need to do anything. Take the whole week off, please.”

  • My friends don’t care. This was the biggest surprise to me.

I have a wide social circle, and feel thankful many of my friends are very supportive. But during this experience, I really wanted them to visit me but I didn’t know how to ask and felt I was inconveniencing them. Texting isn’t enough. This isn’t to make anyone feel guilty. This taught me how I respond, too, when I hear someone is dealing with something terrible and how I’d do it differently in the future. I’ve definitely said through text, “Let me know if there’s anything you need,” to a friend. Now I learned, knowing what you need is the hardest thing about dealing with death. It’s impossible to know what will make you feel better. If you can think of anything, name it! Your friends really don’t know what to say or do. What I would tell anyone to do if you’re trying to support someone who’s experiencing a loss is: visit them. Spend time with them in person and insist on it, even if they tell you they want to be alone. If you’re experiencing a loss: Tell your friends to come to your house. Tell your parents to visit you and stay with you if they are nearby. Don’t apologize for asking. They want to help you and don’t know how.

  • What am I doing with my own life?

You question what you’re doing with your life because you realize how short it is. Every 20-something can relate to the term “existential crisis.” We have them on an hourly basis. If you’re already questioning what you’re passionate about and what you want to do for a career, and you experience losing a friend, you may feel all of that uncertainty put under a microscope and magnified. You’ve seen firsthand that life is short, and it’s a gift you’ve been given that perspective at a young age, actually. After you’ve given yourself all of the time you need to heal, you will have that perspective to help you put energy into making your life into what you want it to be, whether it’s changing jobs, going back to grad school, breaking up with someone you don’t see a future with, moving, etc. But don’t expect everything to change so quickly.

  • Do people know I love them?

You might start to think long and hard about the way you treat people, realizing you never know when the last time you’ll see someone is. I noticed, so many people commented on how generous my friend Nate was. He moved a piano into my house after knowing me for less than a month. I mean, “generous” is an understatement. This made me think a lot about my own legacy. Do the people I care about know how much they mean to me? I can be pretty sarcastic to my co-workers. What if they don’t realize how much I would miss them if something ever happened to them? When I die, I want people to say I am selfless, that I loved others well, and that means I need to make it a priority to be that way. This is really hard. It feels like a ton of pressure because your words have so much weight! What if this is your last conversation with your boyfriend ever? That’s not a healthy way to think. Nobody is perfect, and you are growing, and learning every day.

  • I Should Be Over This Already, Shouldn’t I?

You’ll think you’re past it and a wave of sadness will come over you when the sun sets a certain way and you’ll question if you’re dwelling on it too much. Is it still normal to feel sad every once in a while after 6 months? Yes. It is normal to feel sad whenever you feel sad and it is totally valid. If you’re comfortable talking to a counselor, don’t hesitate. They won’t change anything, but they can help you by listening, and it’ll only come back to haunt you later if you try to bury your feelings and don’t confront them.

  •  My friend would want me to be happy right now.

You remember that time your friend blared country music and had a day party in your kitchen because he was so excited it was Saturday. It feels like a burst of energy to remember how much your friend loved life, how funny they were, and how they would want you to be enjoying your life, so you try to honor them. You might dance a little longer to your favorite song or sing with the windows down in your car because you know they’d want you to be happy.

  •  I don’t want to do this alone.

You may get the urge to see his or her family or write to them or hang out with other friends who knew your friend who died. Always seize the urge to connect with others when you feel led to! They are probably waiting for someone to give them the chance to open up and it feels good to talk about your friend, even though it feels heavy. You’re all doing the best you can, but no one can do it alone.

 

But Life Goes On!

 

P.S This is a work of fiction. Anything and any incidents are either the products of the writer’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

 

 

We May Be Different, But We Are Meant To Be

You and I are meant to be!

I know you wanted it to work, and I think you knew I did too. But instead, all we learned is sometimes things don’t. Sometimes things that are beautiful fall apart, no matter how much of yourself you invest, no matter how much love you’re willing to put in, and no matter how vulnerable you’re willing to get. Instead of what we had blossoming, it stopped, because we knew it had to.

I will never not blame timing. Had we been older, had we not been moving, had we been at different points in our lives, it would have lasted. There are so many “if onlys” and if all of them had aligned, it would have worked out. We would’ve worked out, that is. We could’ve stayed together, fought for each other, and kept making each other happy. We could’ve kept showing each other love and support. Our fingers would never have had to unlearn the feeling of the other person’s skin. Our lips would never have had to unmemorize the other’s.

Too often, I wake up thinking “what if?” What if I was waking up with you next to me? What if you were the first person I called when I woke? What if every morning, there was a text from you, telling me you woke up thinking about me too?

Every once and a while I still get that text, and I guess it reminds me that these things, these feelings, these regrets, even, are real for you too. People have always told me that when you break up with someone, you can’t turn to them for support. In fact, they’re the one person you aren’t supposed to go to. But we still go to each other. We still lean on each other for sympathy when one of us needs the other. When someone has been your primary support system for so long, it’s impossible to cut that connection off, and it’s even more difficult when there wasn’t a “reason” for the break up.

That’s the shittiest part of timing not being on our side. There was no other great reason to separate. There was no blow-out fight, no cheating, no messes or fires to put out or people saying the wrong thing. There was no incompatibility. There was only the numbing realization that this wasn’t our time, and that prolonging the end was useless. That’s all there was. And because of that, there wasn’t a reason to be mad at you. I almost want to be mad at you, because that would make things so much easier, but I can’t be. You did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. And yet, we’re not together anymore.

In the end though, we weren’t the only two things in the world that had to line up perfectly. I know we did, but there are thousands of other minuscule variables in the universe that also have to line up for real love to work and to last.

You once told me you would always have a place for me in your heart, and I hope that stays true. We will live in different places, and be with different people, and do different things. And at some point, the desperate desire to call the other person whenever we have good news (or whenever we fail) will fade. But I hope the door to each other’s lives never fully closes. Because even though the timing wasn’t right, I know we were for you said ‘We maybe different, but we are meant to be.’