Book That You Can Never Read

You can read my words but you can’t really understand my sentences, you can’t understand why I paused after a certain sentence or why I ended a sentence with an exclamation mark rather than a full stop.

You can read my headlines but you won’t grasp what I’m trying to say, you won’t know if it’s a misleading headline or a headline that has nothing to do with what I’m truly trying to say. In other words, you can’t sum me up in one headline.

When I write about loving you, you’d think that I can’t sleep at night thinking about you, but the truth is, I write about a familiar feeling; a moment in time when life was wondrous and I was mesmerized. A feeling that struck me once before that I couldn’t forget.

I write about how you made me feel because I loved that feeling — not you.

When I write about missing you, I write about the person you used to be, the person you pretended you were or the person I thought you were. I write about whom I thought you were and the things you made me believe in. I miss the rush of emotions, the whopping smile on my face when I saw your name on my phone, the bright future that I painted in all my favorite colors and the moment I realized that I’m capable of loving unconditionally.

I write about missing everything about that phase but that doesn’t mean I want to call you or I want you back. Missing you serves as an inspiration not a final statement. You can translate my words into your language but it still won’t make sense because you and I speak in very different languages with totally different connotations. You can try to read between the lines but you’ll always find them blurry and murky because you interpret things according to how your mind operates and your mind is a maze.

My words are a reflection of me; they can be contradicting, they can be wise, they can be childish, they can be insane, they can be idealistic, they can be flawed, they can be harsh and they can be fragile. My words can be a lot of things but they will always be real. I’m an open book because I write about the finest details but you were never detail-oriented so you will never understand the depth of my words.

My book is open, you can flip through my pages or highlight my words but you will never be able to pin me down, because it takes more than reading from a distance to know me, it takes more than a few words to figure me out and it takes a lot more than reading to know my story but you never had the courage to finish the story till the end.

So you can read my book a thousand times but you still won’t be able to read me.

 

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3 AM

It’s 3 am and the night still asks me about you and all I can do is ask the night to let me sleep and bring you in my dreams and maybe one of those nights my dream will come true and the night will stop asking me about you.

It’s at 3 am that the night hits me and asks me about you. It asks me how you’re doing and I still don’t have an answer. I like to believe that you’re fine but a part of me doesn’t really want you to be fine without me. The stars ask me if you still shine everywhere you go and if your smile still brightens up anyone’s day and I can’t help but say yes, because even if I haven’t seen you, I know that you’ll always shine even if it’s dark inside you. And sometimes the night and I wonder if you miss me and if you’re also looking out the window waiting for a miracle.

The moon asks me if I will ever forget you, and I can’t help but confess that I’ve learned to forget everything in the past but I couldn’t forget the way you made me feel, I tell the moon that I learned how to forget everyone who hurt me but I still haven’t learned how to forget you. And even the moon can’t forget you because it’s always full when I’m missing you. The skies ask me if I’ll ever reach out to you and I tell them that I’m scared of not getting a response but the truth is I’m scared more of getting a response, I’m scared of hearing your voice and I’m terrified of loving you again. And sometimes the skies make the night a little bit warmer when I think about you.

I wonder if the night will ever stop haunting me at 3 am to ask me about you. Sometimes I think the night is lonely and missing some company but then every time I bring someone else, the night gets colder and moon disappears.

I think I’m bound to spend my nights remembering you and there is nothing more I can do because the night was not made to be alone, the stars were not meant to shine above a broken heart and the moon was not meant to hide behind the clouds. The night craves love and intimacy, the night needs two souls bound together by its beauty, comforting each other from the troubles of the day.

And it’s the like the night conspired to keep me up until you’re back to me.

It’s 3 am and the night still asks me about you and all I can do is ask the night to let me sleep and bring you in my dreams and maybe one of those nights my dream will come true and the night will stop asking me about you.

To The One I Left Back Home.

But I want you to know that wherever this home may be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always love you and you will forever be my favorite home and you will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and I will try to win.

It’s been a hard journey but I’m finally heading somewhere, the road is still long and the destination is not crystal clear but I’ve finally learned how to drive in the storms and keep on driving until the sun shines again. I sometimes wish I could just go back home and not have to deal with any of these hurdles, but I feel like maybe something big is waiting for me at the end of the road; something told me that I need to go find myself away from the comfort of my bed and the warmth of your hugs. I had to leave so I can grow, so I can be the person you told me I was; the potential you saw in me that I couldn’t see in myself and the person you wanted me to be.

I have tried to find people like you to make the road easier but it was hard to find anyone that could replace you but I learned that you will always be irreplaceable and it would be unfair to compare anyone I meet to you. I’ve met a lot of people who did not resemble me, who did not even speak my language but I found so much value in our differences and they trained me to find the balance in sticking to my roots while trying to understand them. I realized there’s so much more to explore outside the realm of our little jokes and our familiar conversations, outside the luxury of not having to explain myself or wonder if someone misunderstood me and outside the silence we never really feared, but here, silence makes you think, it makes you question, it could drive you crazy – silence is petrifying.

I often hear people complain about the distance or how much they missed home and I would always say well they should just go back, until I was repeatedly faced with the same feeling and I almost booked a one way ticket back home but I didn’t want this to be the end of my journey. I didn’t want to come home the same person that left and I didn’t want to come home without a fight, I didn’t want to come home when I haven’t battled anyone. I wanted to come back as a winner, a champion or a fighter, someone who fought till the end, someone who tried and someone who didn’t let you down.

Because it’s the fight that keeps you going, it’s the lonely days and the tearful nights, the disappointments and the heart breaks, the setbacks and the naysayers and it’s those who want to bring you down who keep you racing to the top. No one said it would be easy to start over and if I can’t handle the stones I encounter on the way then I don’t deserve the diamonds that I’m searching for. But I want you to know that you keep me going more than anyone, when everything is bleak, I remember the nights we spent laughing and singing randomly as we chat, I remember the nights we held each other tight whenever one of us was hurting and I remember all the crazy memories we had and the silly things we did and these memories make me feel alive. They remind me of how lucky I am that I have people like you to come home to, they remind me that no matter how far I wander, you’re still close to me – closer than ever.

And I want you to know that I will be okay; at times I may get lost and at times I may struggle to stay in touch with you but I will never completely disappear, I will never not know where I am or how to go back and I will never forget where I came from.

I want you to know that I didn’t leave because of you, I left because of me, because of the person I was becoming, because of the person I was turning into and because I started to feel like I didn’t belong but I learned that home doesn’t have to be one place, that you could have many homes in your lifetime but you’ll still have one special home you loved more, one special home you miss, one special home you had the best times in and I think I want to live in other homes for a while, I want to see what other homes will welcome me in and I want to have as many homes as possible before I decide to settle in one.

But I want you to know that wherever this home may be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always love you and you will forever be my favorite home and you will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and I will try to win.

Signs You’re On The Wrong Path.

Some may say that there is no such thing as the “wrong” path, and that every path is the right path.  But is this true?  Are we really being honest with ourselves when we say this?  From personal experience, I know what it feels like to be on the “wrong path”.  By “wrong”, I am referring to a path that does not suit you, serve you, or bring your soul alive.  You know in your heart, soul, and mind that there is something bigger and better out there for you.

These paths only serve the purpose of redirecting us to a more ideal path, and they provide us insight into what we don’t want out from life.  When we pay attention to the little feelings that bubble up in our soul, we can live a life that is guided by our intuition.  A life guided by your intuition is never the wrong path.

  • You feel empty and unfulfilled inside.

You aren’t excited to wake up in the morning, and you feel like you will be unhappy for the rest of your life if things continue on the same way as they do.

If you feel like your current life is unsustainable for the rest of your life, and that if things don’t change you will go through your whole life miserable, then something has to change. This is your souls way of communicating to you to go deep, look inside yourself, and find listen to where your intuition is trying to lead you.

  • You feel like you are wasting your time.

You feel like you are wasting your time on earth. Life is short, and you feel as though your life here needs to be spent in a way that is more fulfilling to you. If you feel like you are wasting your time, there is probably a good reason why. Not everyone can have their dream job, but everyone has a longing to leave their creative mark on the world. The truth is, if you aren’t creating, serving, and growing spiritually, you will always feel like you are wasting your time.

  • You try to fill the void.

You spend a great deal of your time trying to fill the void inside yourself.  Addictions, partying, and Netflix are used to distract you from deep internal feeling of need to change paths in life. You often search for material possessions as a way to supplement your lack of purpose and meaning in life. The “void” you are experiencing is your souls desire to come alive through your lifestyle. Don’t fill it or ignore, allow it to direct you to a better path for you. The point of this article is not to encourage self-condemnation, guilt, or sadness. It is to inspire us to look inside of ourselves, be honest, and see if we are truly on the path that we KNOW we should be on. Maybe we aren’t spending enough time with our family and friends. Maybe we are having our gifts suppressed by the jobs we work, or we on a self-destructive path of addiction, self-hate, and self-denial.

Whatever it may be, it’s important to listen to your intuition and follow the wisdom of your heart. If you know in your soul that something needs to change, either your soul is mistaken, or something needs to change.

You’re Not Afraid Of The Future, You’re Afraid Of Repeating The Past.

Fear?

Most of us don’t have the courage to admit this, but life is very scary.

Fear is a necessary part of life. Our psyche depends on it to hold us together. Without fear, we die.

Surely, there must be some sort of logic to us being programmed with this unpleasant, nerve-racking experience. We fear because it has the ability to move us faster and further than any other emotion. It propels us into the inevitable future.

For some of us, fear causes us to search, to create, build and connect. For others, it causes us to lash out, maim and destroy. Others still decide they can out run or hide from it, only to spend their lives living in it.

Fear shapes your life more than anything else. Your fears mark the points at which you either faced and overcame what you feared, or you didn’t. They either mark a turn onto the next path or the moment when you missed an exit. In the end, they draw out the map of your life.

One of the things we fear the most is the future. We don’t know what it holds, and worse yet, there is no possible way of knowing. It’s the unknown, the mysterious.

But that’s not what we fear the most. Because when it comes to the mysterious and the unknown, there is a chance there’s a monster roaming around in the dark, but there is also a chance there are butterflies and rainbows.

So no, it isn’t really the future you fear. What scares the crap out of you is your past.

While the future is, at least to us, unwritten, the past has been set in stone. There’s no undoing what’s been done. There’s no changing the things you wish you could change. You have no choice but to live with the past you created for yourself, and no choice but to accept all the resulting consequences.

The past weighs heavily upon many of us. We often come to see it as a burden, something we must carry along with us everywhere we go. But that’s far from the truth.

The past was a point in time, an exit we either took or missed. It no longer exists, not as far as we’re concerned. You can let go of the past, because the truth is, you don’t need it.

Your life was set on this course, but it doesn’t need to stay on this course. The next exit is coming up. Your next fear is waiting to test you, waiting and hoping — yes, hoping — you overcome it. You have to understand you don’t fear harming yourself — you fear bettering yourself.

Don’t look at fear as something negative. Fear is meant to help you. So, fear your past. Let it move you. Allow it to make you try new things, to do things you never imagined. Let fear drive you towards something better, something that makes you happy.

But don’t bring your past into the future. You shouldn’t even be bringing it into the present. The present is a gift — the gift of being able to redirect your life and move towards a better future for yourself.

If you’re afraid of repeating the past, then don’t. That is, quite literally, all there is to it.

Today’s habits, the things we do, the choices we make, they are what make tomorrow an inevitability.

Life can be better. You can learn to turn fear into excitement. You can be driven, positive and happy. I swear you can. I don’t even know you, but at the same time I know you better than you know yourself. I know you can accomplish things you’ve never dreamed of before.

How do I know? Because you’re no different than me. So matter how much my past scares me, no matter how far away I may be from where I want to be, I’ll get to where I’m going. So will you.