Book That You Can Never Read

You can read my words but you can’t really understand my sentences, you can’t understand why I paused after a certain sentence or why I ended a sentence with an exclamation mark rather than a full stop.

You can read my headlines but you won’t grasp what I’m trying to say, you won’t know if it’s a misleading headline or a headline that has nothing to do with what I’m truly trying to say. In other words, you can’t sum me up in one headline.

When I write about loving you, you’d think that I can’t sleep at night thinking about you, but the truth is, I write about a familiar feeling; a moment in time when life was wondrous and I was mesmerized. A feeling that struck me once before that I couldn’t forget.

I write about how you made me feel because I loved that feeling — not you.

When I write about missing you, I write about the person you used to be, the person you pretended you were or the person I thought you were. I write about whom I thought you were and the things you made me believe in. I miss the rush of emotions, the whopping smile on my face when I saw your name on my phone, the bright future that I painted in all my favorite colors and the moment I realized that I’m capable of loving unconditionally.

I write about missing everything about that phase but that doesn’t mean I want to call you or I want you back. Missing you serves as an inspiration not a final statement. You can translate my words into your language but it still won’t make sense because you and I speak in very different languages with totally different connotations. You can try to read between the lines but you’ll always find them blurry and murky because you interpret things according to how your mind operates and your mind is a maze.

My words are a reflection of me; they can be contradicting, they can be wise, they can be childish, they can be insane, they can be idealistic, they can be flawed, they can be harsh and they can be fragile. My words can be a lot of things but they will always be real. I’m an open book because I write about the finest details but you were never detail-oriented so you will never understand the depth of my words.

My book is open, you can flip through my pages or highlight my words but you will never be able to pin me down, because it takes more than reading from a distance to know me, it takes more than a few words to figure me out and it takes a lot more than reading to know my story but you never had the courage to finish the story till the end.

So you can read my book a thousand times but you still won’t be able to read me.

 

Advertisements

3 AM

It’s 3 am and the night still asks me about you and all I can do is ask the night to let me sleep and bring you in my dreams and maybe one of those nights my dream will come true and the night will stop asking me about you.

It’s at 3 am that the night hits me and asks me about you. It asks me how you’re doing and I still don’t have an answer. I like to believe that you’re fine but a part of me doesn’t really want you to be fine without me. The stars ask me if you still shine everywhere you go and if your smile still brightens up anyone’s day and I can’t help but say yes, because even if I haven’t seen you, I know that you’ll always shine even if it’s dark inside you. And sometimes the night and I wonder if you miss me and if you’re also looking out the window waiting for a miracle.

The moon asks me if I will ever forget you, and I can’t help but confess that I’ve learned to forget everything in the past but I couldn’t forget the way you made me feel, I tell the moon that I learned how to forget everyone who hurt me but I still haven’t learned how to forget you. And even the moon can’t forget you because it’s always full when I’m missing you. The skies ask me if I’ll ever reach out to you and I tell them that I’m scared of not getting a response but the truth is I’m scared more of getting a response, I’m scared of hearing your voice and I’m terrified of loving you again. And sometimes the skies make the night a little bit warmer when I think about you.

I wonder if the night will ever stop haunting me at 3 am to ask me about you. Sometimes I think the night is lonely and missing some company but then every time I bring someone else, the night gets colder and moon disappears.

I think I’m bound to spend my nights remembering you and there is nothing more I can do because the night was not made to be alone, the stars were not meant to shine above a broken heart and the moon was not meant to hide behind the clouds. The night craves love and intimacy, the night needs two souls bound together by its beauty, comforting each other from the troubles of the day.

And it’s the like the night conspired to keep me up until you’re back to me.

It’s 3 am and the night still asks me about you and all I can do is ask the night to let me sleep and bring you in my dreams and maybe one of those nights my dream will come true and the night will stop asking me about you.

To The One I Left Back Home.

But I want you to know that wherever this home may be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always love you and you will forever be my favorite home and you will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and I will try to win.

It’s been a hard journey but I’m finally heading somewhere, the road is still long and the destination is not crystal clear but I’ve finally learned how to drive in the storms and keep on driving until the sun shines again. I sometimes wish I could just go back home and not have to deal with any of these hurdles, but I feel like maybe something big is waiting for me at the end of the road; something told me that I need to go find myself away from the comfort of my bed and the warmth of your hugs. I had to leave so I can grow, so I can be the person you told me I was; the potential you saw in me that I couldn’t see in myself and the person you wanted me to be.

I have tried to find people like you to make the road easier but it was hard to find anyone that could replace you but I learned that you will always be irreplaceable and it would be unfair to compare anyone I meet to you. I’ve met a lot of people who did not resemble me, who did not even speak my language but I found so much value in our differences and they trained me to find the balance in sticking to my roots while trying to understand them. I realized there’s so much more to explore outside the realm of our little jokes and our familiar conversations, outside the luxury of not having to explain myself or wonder if someone misunderstood me and outside the silence we never really feared, but here, silence makes you think, it makes you question, it could drive you crazy – silence is petrifying.

I often hear people complain about the distance or how much they missed home and I would always say well they should just go back, until I was repeatedly faced with the same feeling and I almost booked a one way ticket back home but I didn’t want this to be the end of my journey. I didn’t want to come home the same person that left and I didn’t want to come home without a fight, I didn’t want to come home when I haven’t battled anyone. I wanted to come back as a winner, a champion or a fighter, someone who fought till the end, someone who tried and someone who didn’t let you down.

Because it’s the fight that keeps you going, it’s the lonely days and the tearful nights, the disappointments and the heart breaks, the setbacks and the naysayers and it’s those who want to bring you down who keep you racing to the top. No one said it would be easy to start over and if I can’t handle the stones I encounter on the way then I don’t deserve the diamonds that I’m searching for. But I want you to know that you keep me going more than anyone, when everything is bleak, I remember the nights we spent laughing and singing randomly as we chat, I remember the nights we held each other tight whenever one of us was hurting and I remember all the crazy memories we had and the silly things we did and these memories make me feel alive. They remind me of how lucky I am that I have people like you to come home to, they remind me that no matter how far I wander, you’re still close to me – closer than ever.

And I want you to know that I will be okay; at times I may get lost and at times I may struggle to stay in touch with you but I will never completely disappear, I will never not know where I am or how to go back and I will never forget where I came from.

I want you to know that I didn’t leave because of you, I left because of me, because of the person I was becoming, because of the person I was turning into and because I started to feel like I didn’t belong but I learned that home doesn’t have to be one place, that you could have many homes in your lifetime but you’ll still have one special home you loved more, one special home you miss, one special home you had the best times in and I think I want to live in other homes for a while, I want to see what other homes will welcome me in and I want to have as many homes as possible before I decide to settle in one.

But I want you to know that wherever this home may be, miles and miles away or a block away, I will always love you and you will forever be my favorite home and you will always be the reason why I will keep on fighting and I will try to win.

You And I Are Each Other’s Star.

I like the way you make me feel. The way our bodies seem to know each other, the static that transfers in your touch, or the rush I get when I stare into your eyes. We’re connected like that, in strange and terrifying ways we can’t even explain. But we know. Somehow we just know.

When I was little boy, I believed in that human bodies were like stars, floating in this expanse of sky. Directionless. Bright. I believed that our lights would burn and burn and burn until we’d find the one whose brightness matched ours. And then we would set on fire and shoot across the sky together.

Sometimes I still believe that—that our souls are bigger than they seem, burning thousands of miles away from this ground we walk on. That we’re shining bright and beautiful, waiting for our fates to align, our bodies to crash into one another. Waiting for an explosion. And then we’d know it was love. We’d know.

I like that idea, that love is something we cannot define, but inherently understand. Like how our hearts subconsciously pump blood to the entirety of our bodies. Or how we breathe without thinking. You and I, we are like stars who crossed paths somewhere in this incredible expanse of galaxy. We’re burning, melting into one another. Growing bigger, brighter. We are filling the world with our light, getting ready to explode and flash across the sky in all our glory and grandeur. I’m ready for it.

Perhaps the path we orbit on will eventually change, perhaps we will shift to brighten other planets. But I can feel your warmth inside my heart, traveling like electricity through my cells.

I cannot find the right string of words to explain how I’m feeling, what this is, or who we are.

But it’s love.
I just know.

How I Grew Without You.

Now all I want to do is talk about loving you.

I keep writing sad words.
It’s like my brain is programmed
to only write about my longing for you.
But right now for once,
I want to write about loving you.

You were my happy song that
I actually loved listening to
without rolling my eyes.
You always were my major chord.
My sun that never set.
My moon that never dropped.

How lucky am I to have had you like I did.
All of you, soul and body.
All of you so sweet.

Before you,
I only thought of myself as a weed.
The kind that grew too slowly
without recognition from the gardener.
But then you picked me and then you chose me.
Your favorite flower.

Now, years without your nourishment
I still stand tall.
I don’t droop anymore.
I don’t wilt with you
on my back.

I stand straight.
My spine aligned and
all my petals intact.
I don’t need your water
anymore.
I don’t need your soil.
I grow on my own.

I’m Sorry, I Had To Say Goodbye.

The universe had different plans for us in store.

I never wanted to have to miss you.

On mornings when the sun slowly seeps through my shutters and crawls warmly over the blankets that envelop me, the gentle summer breeze holds the sorrow at bay. A small smile spreads across my face at the thought of you deeply inhaling the bold scent of your morning coffee, staring at the roses you have pruned to perfection. I can feel a breath of your touch extending down my arms.

All I want is for the winds to keep me safe, to keep me numb from the pain that wracks my body from the realization that we’ve lost you in this lifetime.

I never wanted to have to need you.

On afternoons when the flowers open themselves to the skies and the neighborhood children mill around, the birds’ joyful songs flow to my ears and drown out the moans of grief that threaten to spill from my throat. A chuckle rises instead, flashing back to the life lessons you exaggeratedly extended to your grandchildren. I can see a glint of pride in your eyes and a shadow of a smirk on your cheek. You already knew that we were all in good hands. You just had to be sure.

I never wanted to have to live without you.

On nights when the clouds scatter and the constellations burst through the darkened horizon, the hopefulness and perseverance behind a lonely cricket’s chirp chisels away at the guilt that weighs on my chest, like a focused sculptor. Tears stream steadily over the curves of my lips, drifting along and collecting the rubble, grain by grain. I can hear a whisper of your voice in the unforgiving silence with the breath of a forehead’s goodnight kiss. All I can do is whisper Sweet Dreams into the void.

I had no choice. The universe had bigger plans for you.

Behind The Mask, Good Bye?

I talk to you here,
It can’t be in vain,
Because as each sunset fades,
So does a little of the pain.

Can you hear the unvoiced pain,

The sadness behind the mask,

The silent plea

The begging

How I long for you to come back?

How I miss the way things were

I know it’s selfish

On my part,

So I won’t ask you to return

To mend my sorrow-laden heart

Can you hear my secret pain,

In my voice,

Behind the mask?

I’m told that time will heal my grief

But I am not convinced of that.

 

Each time I saw you,

I formed the habit

Of saying goodbye,

Each message I wrote,

When I hugged you in greeting,

Smiling, but teary-eyed.

 

The way your arms enfolded me,

How you lingered, too,

Our meetings became mutual goodbyes,

Your eyes said it all, you knew.

To The One Who Will Never Read This

She whispers.
Her breath renders a gentle breeze,
brushing over baby hairs and making colors crisper.
Her words take me captive like a malignant disease.

Her lips graze upon my cheek
their gentle touch nestled in the hallow of my cheek.
Her potent love, healing the wounds of the weak.
She makes the chaos of living, simple.

Her brown eyes fall to meet my own,
hardly revealing, but so much to know.
At her fault my heart is prone.
In the gentle light her freckles show.

Soon her eyes abandon mine
to wander, and to roam.
And as they land upon another, I know I should let go.
If home is where the heart is,
I will never be her home.

The Absolute Tragedy Of Meeting The Love Of Your Life At The Wrong Time.

Breakups are always hard because you have to mourn someone you loved and lost. But, time heals everything, and eventually, you’ll meet someone else. Eventually, that former lover will become a distant memory. But, this kind of breakup is not the same. This breakup happened with a person who, no matter what you do, you cannot get over.

Not a day goes by that this person doesn’t cross your mind and your heart feels heavy. It’s usually because the relationship is unfinished. But, you can’t tell yourself that, and you certainly can’t believe it because it will literally drive you mad. So instead, you tell yourself you are fine, and that you can move on. You get pretty close to fooling yourself. That is, until you hear that song, see that photo, yearn to share something or wake up thinking about him or her. Then you are right back to square one. There are so many people who come in and out of your life. Some you date briefly and never give a second thought to, and some you like a lot, but it doesn’t work out. Then, there are some who crush you, who take months to get over.

But this is different; this is the feeling you get when you know something has to end right now but isn’t over for good. You can’t just say, “I wish you the best” and move on. You can’t end that chapter because you know you can’t quit them. Not yet, and maybe not ever. And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “love purgatory.” It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together. Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together. The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached its potential yet, so it can’t be over. In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah. So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again. You don’t just sit around and listen to sad music and wait though. You find distractions and push away what you feel in order to be a sane enough human being to function in life.

You meet other amazing, beautiful people with whom you want to work things out, but it never happens because something is off. He or she just isn’t _____ (fill in the blank with your person.) Because when you know, you know. That connection comes around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime. Your friends think you’re crazy, and you yourself feel crazy. Why, in a world full of billions of other people, are you allowing one to keep holding you back. You can’t answer that question.

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” — Blaise Pascal

Some people meet someone, date, fall in love and live happily ever after. Many others are not quite so fortunate. Some of us have to fight, breakup, makeup and go through hell with our person until it finally works out. Maybe the problem is, again, timing. Maybe you have to learn and grow more before you can settle down. Whatever the problem is, you know that eventually, the two of you will find each other again. Because like Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Mr. Big, Allie and Noah and all the great love stories from movies and television, there are just some people who you can’t let go of and never will.

But, until you find your way back, you miserably sit in love purgatory, hoping to find someone or something to keep you occupied long enough to not self-destruct. Some people will be outraged about this and think, “This is not how love is supposed to be,” or, “If you were mature about love it wouldn’t be this hard.” But I beg to disagree, and would counter with, “How do you know?” Just because things were easy for you doesn’t mean they will be easier for everyone else. People are very complicated and love is sometimes messy. If it’s not that way for you, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means your path was easier.

For those of us currently in love purgatory, we will one day be with our person, too.

Credits: Lauren Skirvin (Elite Daily)

A Letter To The Person I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over.

Dear You,

I think back at the last few years, the first of many to be spent without you. It’s crazy realizing that you haven’t been a part of them at all. I sometimes still find it difficult to accept that this is the way things are going to be – not just between us, but for me.

It’s difficult accepting that I will have to continue living this life, living with the choices that I’ve made and am unable to take back.

Please don’t misunderstand me. This isn’t sadness that you hear in my words. That phase has been and gone. I no longer feel sad about having let you go. I no longer feel sad when the thought of you inevitably pops into my head. It no longer pains me to imagine you having moved on with your life. Of course, I’d be lying if I were to say that these thoughts bring me joy, but they don’t tear into me the way they once did, not so long ago.

It’s difficult for me to explain the exact state I’ve found myself in. These are uncharted waters. Once you were the lighthouse that guided me to shore, making me feel safe and certain knowing where I can find home, but that light no longer shines. At least, not for me.

Is it weird if I say I’m OK with that? It feels weird thinking it, but it’s true. I’m not happy about it. I’m not sad about it. I’m OK with it. And I think that’s the most I can ask for at the moment. The hardest part is accepting that I never meant to you what you meant to me – not really.

This isn’t to say that you didn’t love me, because I know you did. Yet, here we are; I’m sitting here writing this letter, and you’re … somewhere else. Without me, doing your own thing, being the awesome person you’ve always been.

I’m sure I no longer occupy a room in your mind, yet in my mind and heart you’ll always find a place.

If someone were to ask me if I’ve moved on, I’d say yes. There is no doubt in my mind that I have moved on. I’ve gotten over a hurdle I wasn’t sure I’d make it over. It wasn’t just the heartbreak that I had to make it through. It’s all that came with it. The sadness. The lack of will. The moodiness. All those horrible habits I picked up as a means of distracting myself – a poor effort at trying to convince myself that you don’t matter to me.

But you do. You matter to me more than you know. And the crazy thing is, nothing will ever change that. As long as I continue to be me, my love for you will never fully dissipate. I don’t love you the way Romeo loved Juliet. I love you the way the moon loves the sun. While we may never cross paths again, there’s a connection that exists and will continue to exist as long as we do.

I have long debated what love actually is … but now I know. It’s caring. Not because you want to or because you feel like you should, but because you don’t have any other options available to you. Regardless of whether or not we can remain friends, I will always care for you.

And you want to know what? I’m happy that I care for you as much as I do. I’m happy that I can feel this way about a person without feeling the need to own their thoughts, their time, their attention, or even their love. I don’t need you to love me. Not anymore. I’ve found that love for oneself is all that you really need. Everything else is just extra – it’s more than the necessary minimum. In other words, everything in addition is a gift. And I can’t be upset with not receiving a gift from you. After all, a gift is only truly a gift if reciprocation isn’t expected.

So why am I writing this letter? That’s an excellent question… I guess it’s not really for you; it’s for me. Truth be told, I’m secretly hoping that you never read this. You don’t need to hear this. You’re happy doing you and I want you to stay happy doing you. This letter is to remind me that the choices I’ve made, the path I’ve walked and continue to walk, is the path I was meant to walk down.

You turned me into a better person, then into someone I was no longer able to recognize. Yet, I’ve now somehow found myself better off. I’m stronger. I’m wiser. I’m more disciplined. I feel … content. So thank you for all that.

I may never get over you, but truth be told, I don’t want to get over you. I want this new sort of love I have for you to stay with me. I want it to stay with me as I continue on with my life, as I accomplish my goals, as I find someone new to share my life with.

I want my love for you to continue for the rest of my life because whatever I’m experiencing is as real as anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s still new to me … but it’s real. It’s selfless. It’s pure. It’s calming. Life has taught me so much, and although we won’t be traveling side by side, I’m excited to see what new lessons life has to teach.

Yours always,
Debashish Talukdar.