Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise.

I haven’t wrote in a while. It takes a lot of energy out of me to expose the truth and stories because of the detail I see and feel them with. I wanted to give an update on everything. It has been weeks I have been back home and I am still in the mindset of doing nothing.
I live my life sometimes tortured by anxiety and depression. When I was a kid I laughed without worry of ever having to stop. I went to sleep without eyes full of images of the things I failed and ruined. My mind kissed my heart and we both slept in the same bed. Over the years I have learned how to control my emotions and not allow them to venture out for as long as before when they didn’t have to fight back. My bones are ravaged with bite marks from my own teeth, continually testing who I am to see if I can break. I do not scare easily, but I am afraid of the dark. What people don’t know is, that I have called it mine for entirely too long. One wouldn’t think you could be frightened by a place you call home. It’s not the structure itself. It’s what lives inside the walls that keep you cornered and timid to live a meaningful life. Words are etched there for you to read, and it’s there you will find a story of conviction and how she opened the door for me. This world we keep walking around in, pretending to be okay, is rather simple once you figure out we all are housing our own pain. Keep breathing deep and when you’re ready, it will all come to the top to be released and set free into the lives of who need to hear what you have to say. You’re the lifeblood for more people than you realize. You are the reason why stars stay up so late.

In the past, I oftentimes allowed other people to control my actions. I was never completely in control over my own life. I was either drawing or staying up late or doing other stuff that wasn’t conductive for my health. I allowed them to manipulate me and in return, I sabotaged a large portion of my life. I was never good at saying no to things or to people. I always felt guilty like I was letting them down if I wasn’t feeling up to it. It’s sad, but I did this more than half my life. I was a people pleaser and somewhat of a pushover because I had a hard time standing up for my beliefs. But I was always there to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves. That’s my strongest if someone were to ask me. If you’re going to fuck with my friends or someone I love, you’re not going to be standing there for long. I used drinking to cover up a lot who I was because I wanted to be someone else. Looking back now I probably killed more moments than I created, and that’s hard for me to take in. I love too much and too often. I live life down the road at times. I always wander off upstairs in my head.
I’m passionate about my life and happy to be me now. The man who started this page is no longer charge of it. I’ve taken control of the parts of my life I can and making plans to get all of it back here shortly.

Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise.


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